here come the essays

gahhh. the last thing i want to do now is the history essay. and the history tutorial due tomorrow. boo.

the maths test was easier than expected, but still not good. think i made a few mistakes, and i couldn’t find the inverse function :’( oh well. at least it’s over. no more tests! at least for this term.

the school’s delightfully empty now. no j1s to crowd the cafe and canteen, and occupy any available surface that can be used for studying. it’s a nice change, really.

aiping got brownies from vanessa! and they were goood :) very chewy and chocolate-y. yum. great job vanessa :D

o level results today. sis managed to scrape exactly 20 points. good for her :) she’s probably going to yj. which is a good thing, cos it means she can take whatever weird combi she wants.

we got ticked off after econs lecture and during econs tutorial today, cos well… i don’t think we’re trying hard enough at our work. i admit to that too, considering that i get lazy when it comes to doing econs mcqs… but oh well. i guess i’ll have to work harder. stop slacking and procrastinating…

which is precisely what i am doing right now. i can feel tinges of sleep already clouding my senses. my brain’s telling me to go take a short nap… which will inevitably become a two, three hour nap and me rushing history essay into the wee hours of the night. and so i guess i’ll do the history essay now, and fall asleep while doing it, if i must.

stupid firefox.

firefox hung for the first time, and it had to be when i was blogging. bah.

originally wanted to blog last night, but i was so dead tired i just fell asleep in front of the computer, and happily closed the browser without saving a draft. oh well.

went to heartland mall so my sis could buy her new shoes, and so i could keep a lookout for a nice pair i will make persuade my mum to buy. and the blisters gave me a new excuse/reason to get new shoes, anyway. speaking of them, they’re practically gone :D it feels sooo good to walk normally again. have yet to spot any the one pair of shoes or slippers. you know that it’s when you spot the pair the moment you enter the store, the one you can’t take your eyes off, the one you know that you know you must have. that was the case for my nike air zoom milers, i think. i remember first seeing them in the nike shop at wheelock place, when we were visiting gayle while she was rebonding her hair. okay fine, they didn’t catch my eye the moment i went in, but at least they kept my attention, and i think i liked them immediately :) i vaguely remember someone saying they weren’t nice, but i still liked them anyway. am so so glad i managed to get them after all, even though they’re now a tad squeezy when i have my insoles in. oh well. let’s hope i find another pair of shoes (or slippers) like those.

i am quite frankly obsessed with my weight now. maybe obsessed is too strong a word, but i can no longer eat anything without wondering how many calories i’m consuming. i guess it’s a good thing, anyway. am trying to find low-calorie recipes that i can bring to school for lunch, instead of eating stuff that are probably none-too-healthy and being clueless about the amount of calories going into my body. but on the other hand, i find myself continually tempted by all the chocolate and sweets around the house. and all the soft drinks leftover from chinese new year. i can only take comfort in the fact that coke light only has a couple of calories. but if i recall correctly, maria said i was supposed to cut down on saturated fats and sugar too. oh well.

and oh yes. been reading a lot about trans-fat. will definitely go out of my way to not eat fried stuff, especially fast food now. am never ever gonna eat the bk chicken sandwich after finding out that it contains about 600+ calories. even their fish sandwich has a hell lot of calories. it’s only chicken whopper jr for me if i ever go to bk’s now. or the chicken salad. yum yum.

am sooo procrastinating and ever so unwilling to get to work. maths test is hovering ominously. my d.e. sucks sucks sucks. my curve sketching skills are quite unfortunately sketchy – sometimes i can sketch ‘em, sometimes i can’t. i wish you could bring graphmatica into the exam hall. okay maybe i should just haul my sorry ass to work. quite a bit of it this weekend, actually.

weekend stuff
- maths test!!!
- history tutorial 5 essay due on tuesday
- econs mcq + essay due on friday

okay it doesn’t seem that much. but it is. sorta. cos i know i end up procrastinating the whole of sunday away, then the fact that i don’t have any time left sinks in at about 1am. whee. better do the history essay soon. will probably not have any time on monday. gah.

and oh yeah, the weirddd dreams. i hate it when dreams feel real, cos it makes you totally confused when you wake up. but at least it was only a dream, this time. would have been damned freaky and most upsetting if whatever happened in dreamland was true. but thankfully, they weren’t real. whew.

okay stop procrastinating please. and stop thinking about it. the truth is there for you to see, it’s just that you refuse to accept it.

blistered.

ouchhhhh. got my first blisters in a long time. got a few as a kid, but never ever got any more later on, until today.

mr koh made us run 8 rounds continously, cos he thinks that if he doesn’t push us, we’re never gonna push ourselves, etc. failure to run continously might result in having to carry the awful medicine balls, he threatened. my shins were giving me problems as usual, but i decided to try running anyway. shin pain was there of course, with a whole other lot of pain. about three rounds in i felt like crying, cos the pain was that bad. but i didn’t want to stop either. i wanted to be able to finish the eight rounds, even if it meant that i had to jog at abysmally slow speeds. the soul was willing, but the flesh was weak. i wanted to go all the way, but i wasn’t sure how much punishment and pain i could take. so i just closed my eyes and tried to remind myself that pain was just electrical signals to my brain. eventually i was jogging so slowly that my breathing went back to normal and it stopped being tiring. it was just step, pain, step, pain, step… you get the idea. the insoles were hurting me like hell but i didn’t realise that a monster of a blister was forming on my right foot. managed to finish the eight rounds. it might not seem much, but it’s a step forward for me. i showed myself that i could put mind over matter if i really wanted to, that it all depends on my willpower and determination. will try harder now. and the fact that i lost all my cny weight and have recorded my lowest weight so far this year is a big plus :) so maybe that monster blister was worth it after all. am planning to swim as much as possible during the march hols.

but still, i gotta complain about the blister. i never knew how badly blisters hurt. and the fact that it’s right smack in the middle of both my feet (the monster is on the right foot. twenty cents size on the right, ten cents size on the left) makes it hurt a LOT to walk. and still i went down to chinatown. maria had better be grateful. lol.

watched maria trade in her 6230 for erhhh. i forgot the model. 6260? it’s a nice clamshell, but it’s too thick for my taste. has lotsa functions and is pretty cool though. sat in burger king for a drink while maria fiddled around with her phone and i tried out her zen touch. the zen touch is okay, i guess. not as cool as the ipod though. speaking of which, i hear that new models will be out. so i’ll hold back on the purchase just in case 1) the new models are way cooler 2) prices for the 20gb drop. hoho. then we had dinner (ban mian for her, u-mian for me) at ps and then we walked around and shopped. reached home at about 9 plus, feeling completely pooped and finding it harder than ever to walk around. bare feet + blisters + floor is not a good combination.

and oh yes. i wanted to pon maths lecture cos i didn’t want to walk all the way to the audi. but i made the mistake of going down to the canteen/cafe with some of the non-maths people, and guess who i saw on the way down? yes, miss tan, our beloved maths tutor. whee? told her that i was going to do something for my blisters, so i hope hope hope she doesn’t punish me or anything. while i feel quite bad about it, on the other hand i really really don’t like vectors :(

feeling uber sleepy now. and i repeat, four days of history tutorial (and having to worry about having or not having readings) is so not fun. and miss tan’s piling on the maths homework too. whee ._.

john lennon was good today :)

lessons felt really long and draggy today. listened to music on my phone during maths lect, econs lect and maths tutorial. quite a fun thing to do, really. and i like to think that i’m training my auditory pipe at the same time. haha. can’t wait to get my poddy so i can listen to MORE songs. hoho. have just realised that i can’t get it during the weekend. might have to go for the history seminar (9 to 6! >_<) and i’ll definitely have to study for maths test. :(

saw this on shihan’s blog, and took the colourquiz test. and as usual, it gets mildly freaky when you find that there are parts of the results which are almost eerily accurate.

Your Existing Situation
Orderly, methodical, and self-contained. Needs the respect, recognition, and understanding of those close to her.

Your Stress Sources
The existing situation is disagreeable. Feels lonely and uncertain as she has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and wants to stand out from the rank and file. This sense of isolation magnifies the need into a compelling urge, all the more upsetting to her self-sufficiency because of the restraint she normally imposes on herself. Since she wants to demonstrate the unique quality of her own character, she tries to suppress this need for others and affects an attitude of unconcerned self-reliance to conceal her fear of inadequacy, treating those who criticize her behavior with contempt. However, beneath this assumption of indifference she really longs for the approval and esteem of others.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to participate and to allow herself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension.

Circumstances are restrictive and hampering, forcing her to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time being.

Your Desired Objective
Needs to feel identified with someone or something and wishes to win support by her charm and amiability. Sentimental and yearns for a romantic tenderness.

Your Actual Problem
Greatly impressed by the unique, by originality, and by individuals of outstanding characteristics. Tries to emulate the characteristics she admires and to display originality in her own personality.

Your Actual Problem #2
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, and she is distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationship. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.

history tutorial four days in a row is overkill >_<

one last breath

was too sleepy to blog yesterday. or rather, too preoccupied with the tv, then drug wars, then the bout of sleepiness came.

it wasn’t diarrhoea after all. more like cramps. ha. tests yesterday were quite bad, especially gp. oh well.

martin luther king was great today :) let’s hope john lennon tomorrow will be just as good, if not better. :)

learnt a new game today, called pom pee pee (or should it be spelled as bom beep beep? hoho.) and it’s so fun lah. i laughed so hard while playing – it was just that hilarious. it has the potential to be the new class game, lol. like pepsi cola, it involves lots of thinking and physical ability. hoho.

debate over casino today. initially i said no, and was fervently arguing for my side. but i ended up changing my vote. haha. like everything, it has its pros and cons… i think the casino is going to end up being built, anyway.

okay this entry is going nowhere. i wish my thoughts would stop being so pendulous. but some things really make me wonder. but i guess it’s just my imagination. again.

hold me now
i’m six feet from the edge and i’m thinking
maybe six feet
ain’t so far down
- “one last breath” by creed

photos.

photos from yesterday uploaded here.

one of my favourites ;)

stupid weather just bequeathed me a migraine. gah.

you belong to me

nothing irks me more than actually wanting to study and having some random ailment. in this case, it’s the oh-so-annoying diarrhoea. just read that i’m not supposed to eat anything. oops? i just hope it doesn’t come up during the tests tomorrow.

slept really early last night. at like… eleven or so? had the weirdest dreams. like me jogging in a supermarket. that’s about the only part i can remember. maybe it’s a sign for me to start working out to lose all that weight i gained from cny and v-day ._.

okay i actually have nothing to blog about now. whee.

million dollar baby

first off,

happy 18th birthday vanessa! :)

i hope you liked your present and enjoyed the movie (i’m pretty sure you did :D)

million dollar baby was a good movie. the acting was good and the plot was great. and it really makes you think.

food and funfair was okay i guess. the whole event wasn’t all that great, the company was much better :) the viking ship was damn funny lah. i admit that i was initially quite scared, as i always do whenever i go on “thrilling” rides and i can literally feel my heart lurch and threaten to stop. haha. but you get used to the motion after a while. need to get myelf on a real viking ship to see how it feels. and kudos to mark for thinking up for a great idea for the stall. lack of publicity was why we didn’t do so well. hoho. we were supposed to all wear our sec school u today, though that didn’t really happen. lent maryam my st nicks u and she looked quite good in it :D i miss the st nicks u! i was like, wooo the blouse is so thin! haha.

am feeling vaguely sleepy. still considering if i should take a nap. stomach has gone bonkers on me, making me feel like i badly need the toilet about every five minutes or so. yipee. maybe it’s a good idea to go take a nap after all.

rumours.

boo. third day in a row of the migraine. i take my napan, go to sleep, wake up migraine-free and poof it comes back again. somehow. sucks sucks sucks.

today wasn’t a good pe day. for some strange inexplicable reason the joints in the region of my right hip were feeling really really uncomfortable. was excited by the news of playing games, only to have all hopes deflated when mr koh said taf people were not going to play games. oh joy. i would do my typical whining and ranting about this situation, but i guess i’ve already expressed most of it after pe. but arghhh. it’s gonna be damn shitty watching people play the games i badly want to play, knowing that i can’t play. UGH. and they’re playing softball! i miss softball :(

rumours abound, and it’s a scary thought. i love the class, but it’s like… make one slip of the tongue or make a careless remark, and that could be the end of you. not that it really matters to me, considering that i think i’m quite an intensely private person anyway.

i have loads of work to do at the moment, but no mood whatsoever to do any of it. maybe after american idol.

on the bright side, we’re getting released early tomorrow, and there’s no cca :)

have the niggling feeling that i’m getting it again >_<

a life away from mine

was just thinking about how i think i’ve grown emotionally, even if it’s only a teeny little bit.

i marvel at how i could listen almost impassionately about a life away from mine, a life i wanted so desperately to be a part of, not too very long ago. of course, my mind would drift oh-so-occasionally to the relevation, but it doesn’t seem to matter anymore. or perhaps i’ve simply stopped caring.

it took me nearly three years to give up. or at least, finally realise that i’ve given up.

ordinarily this would be something good. at least, i think it is a good thing to be liberated from an abyss of self-denial, confusion and deluded daydreams. but not when it’s mainly because you’ve been plunged into another vacuum of emotional turmoil.

i guess i’ll never be able to fully and truly free myself from these invisible shackles. but i think it is these shackles that have helped to shape the person i am, the way i behave, the things that i do. how can you be free from something, if it is a part of you?

but things feel better, now that i’ve straightened out my thoughts. at the moment, nothing is going to change what i feel or the things i do, but i now think my thoughts and do things without hoping or expecting reciprocation. it makes things a lot easier this way. of course, i am still entitled to daydream or imagine about what may be. while others may think that this is unrealistic, i feel that it is most fun to let one’s brain ponder over (im)possibilities. you get what you want without hurting anyone. on the other hand, i believe my (day)dreams are an interesting aspect of my current emotional situation, considering that they seldom happened before, or with such regularity. someone above trying to point me in the right direction, maybe?