cos obviously

i’m starting to feel a bit disoriented, in terms of my emotional state of mind.

on one hand i’m quite giddy with pleasure. pleasure because i found out that i’ve lost about 3kg since the beginning of the year :)))) and most of the weight lost was fat! like, i lost about 2.5 kg from the last time i took the tanita body analysis thing, and lost 2.6 kg from my fat mass. yipee yay yay.

that little voice in my head is rather annoying though. the one that’s saying that 3kg in three months isn’t exactly a lot of weight to lose. in fact, it’s sloooow. i still want the appetite suppressants. it’s sort of scaring me that i’m so obsessed about my weight and losing it now. but i don’t think it’s going to be a problem, considering that i have so much weight to lose anyway. not going to turn anorexic anytime soon. ha.

this is probably my first successful weight loss thing. but then again, i wasn’t actually trying all that hard before, i guess. didn’t make any effort to change my eating habits before, and when i change it, voila! weight loss :) though not fast enough for my taste. will persuade parents to let me try the appetite suppressors somehow. in the meantime i should think of an excuse to go see P.K. Ang so i can ask her about the appetite suppressors.

but i guess it makes you feel good lah. like going to collect my glasses and having the owner say that i appeared to have slimmed down a little. and for like the first time ever, not having the relatives go “ohhh you’re getting fatter eh” during chinese new year. from being totally unable to do a single inclined pull-up to doing at least two today. from getting winded just running one round to actually become able to run the first warmup round almost effortlessly. effortlessly. that’s something that never comes to my mind when i think of running. but still can’t pass 2.4 though. possibility of me passing is uber low. no time left to train. sigh.

and on the other spectrum of my perpetually confused thoughts, there’s me mulling over stuff. as usual. it’s so bloody obvious. just give it up already.

trickles of stress are leaking in already. have technically become the president of synapse, have to rush research for the middle east project, maths class test looms tomorrow, along with history tutorial and tutorial 25. and here i am happily blogging away.

bridge was quite crappy. they showed us the where is the love mtv then made us listen to the song in the dark. it later occurred to us that it seemed suspiciously like a cult meeting slash brainwashing session when daljit continued to speak very animatedly in the dark. and we came up with a song based on obviously. lol. not exactly looking forward to the next bridge session. thank goodness for maryam and yy’s company though.

i’ve fallen in so deep that i can’t get out. i wish someone could tell me what all the thoughts in my head mean. i wish i hope i dream.

the way i wish you would

to gayle and maryam – just wanted to say thanks :)

sleep is amazing. sleeping in front of the com somehow just has the effect of calming me down and making me forget stuff. or at least, marginally push thoughts out of my head. have basically gotten out of my whole funk. at least the screaming billboard in my highway of thoughts has become a much smaller, if not more annoying sign that persistently pesters me. it’s better than nothing.

i had a pretty nice entry, actually. then blogger screwed it up. it always happens at night. i should stop blogging so late. and remember to copy entries before i click publish post. i always forget. blah.

anyway cca carnival was basically crap. just sat down and did nothing. but gotta say thanks to aiping for helping out and keeping me company. and also thanks to charles toh for putting the banner up (though he did help himself to the sweets too) and to the interact guy who helped to take it down because charles toh somehow managed to completely vanish.

ah yes. was blogging about my mysterious sleeping spells in history and econs lectures. ordinarily falling asleep isn’t a problem, but falling asleep during history and econs while keeping awake for maths is weird. majorly. maybe today was because i was busy messaging maria, but i’ve been sleepy for practically every history lecture that has come our way this term. must do something about it. bah.

and a song to end it all. another gem uncovered in my pursuit of harry/hermione fandom. i think this one is from an mtv thing. simple lyrics with a simple voice to convey raw, simple feelings. i can almost imagine hermione singing this. sorta. and yes it’s an apt depiction of my thoughts at the moment. i think i remember talking to maryam about harry potter, but the addled brain fails to recall if it was today or yesterday. i think she asked me to continue writing fanfics or something. but i don’t think i’ll be writing anytime too soon. i’m pretty sure that my fanfics will end up being faint reflections of my trains of thought and contain cryptic references to my personal experiences, and i don’t want that. all my ideas are too cliched to put down in words too, though i don’t actually mind indulging myself in cliched fantasies. but time to stop dreaming, i think. if only i could practise what i preach.

this is the place where i sit
this is the part where i love you too much
this is as hard as it gets
cos i’m getting tired of pretending i’m tough

i’m here if you want me
i’m yours, you can hold me
i’m empty and aching
and tumbling and breaking

cos you don’t see me
and you don’t need me
and you don’t love me
the way i wish you would
the way i know you could

i dream a world where you understand
that i dream a million sleepless nights
well i dream a fire when you’re touching my hand
but it twists into smoke when i turn on the lights

i’m speechless and faded
it’s too complicated
is this how the book ends
nothing but good friends?

cos you don’t see me
and you don’t need me
and you don’t love me
the way i wish you would

the way i wish you would

this is the place in my heart
this is the place where i’m falling apart
isn’t this just where we met
and is this the last chance that i’ll ever get

i wish i was lonely
instead of just only
crystal and see-through
and not enough to you

cos you don’t see me
and you don’t need me
and you don’t love me
the way i wish you would

cos you don’t see me
and you don’t need me
and you don’t love me
the way i wish you would
the way i know you could
- “you don’t see me” by josie and the pussycats

you don’t see me.

i hate it. i hate how one tiny little incident and action (or lack thereof) can affect me so badly. it feels like crap. i feel like crap.

ARGH.

it’s impossible. my brain refuses to focus on anything. crappity crap crap.

you don’t see me cos you pretend not to. i mean absolutely nothing to you. need to drill that into my head.

you and me.

was far too sleepy to blog last night. pieced together another poster cos sokpeng wants it, printed them out and promptly fell asleep at the computer.

but it was nice to see 4u people again :) it wasn’t everyone, but some is better than none, yeah? :) met the tribe people near cine, then we took neoprints together. then we went down to marche, where we were later joined by felyna, the beccas, shuyar, alicia and liying. ate, talked, caught up on the latest gossips and scandals, griped about school, etc. simple things that make people happy :)

more cheerleading practice yesterday :) this time yy and gayle (after much coercion and threatening on my part) joined georgia, vanessa, denise and jieyi in dancing (if that’s the right word to use) too. i just sat there with the mike and my phone and made all sorts of annoying helpful comments. hoho. cheerleading is like our current obsession. but it’s fun. and i would get up and do stuff too, but i’m so uncoordinated that i don’t even want to risk trying. ha.

school was interesting today. there were two blackouts, once during lit break and once during econs lecture. before that the aircon was spoilt, and when the aircon was finally okay, the lights went out. lol. that meant no lecture. and no history tutorial either, cos it was too hot in 228. funniest part was when we were doing our long overdue service learning debrief and ms ng said something about light and the lights miraculously came on. haha.

sigh. starting to feel twinges of stress. like siva telling me that she was going to quit synapse. i can’t imagine having to be president, because i know nuts about admin matters and have absolutely no desire to deal with teachers like sokpeng. gah. and then there’s the middle east project thing. everything feels damned rushed lah. haven’t even met the com science people doing it yet. gah. and the deadline is next friday. yipee.

but oh well. i can’t help feeling that all this stress is still nothing compared to the last time when i truly and really felt stressed. maybe it wasn’t as bad as i currently imagine it to be, but at least it makes me feel better about any stress i feel now. i think everyone’s getting a bit stressed out, especially after we got our term 1 results back. just wanna tell everyone not to stress themselves out, and while the results are important, it’s ultimately the a’s that truly matters. take care of yourselves and don’t fall sick. (and actually, even if you are sick, drag yourself to school anyway because one day of lessons and lectures is a lot to miss. really.)

sigh. shall propose my website ideas to the com science people now. period sucks sucks sucks. too damn heavy.

you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it’s you and me and all of the people
and i don’t know why
i can’t keep my eyes off from you
- “you and me” by lifehouse

i don’t know you anymore

To love someone means you are willing to place their needs equal to, or above, your own.
It means that you are concerned for their welfare and wellbeing, and that you want them to be happy and healthy.
Loving someone means sympathising when they suffer, and striving to prevent such suffering.

Sometimes loving someone can be difficult. Choices need to be made, and sometimes sacrifices.
Every day on this earth, human and animal mothers sacrifice their own needs for their young.
Every day on this earth, people place the needs of others before their own.
This is what real love is all about.

Sometimes, in our relentless efforts to find the person we love we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us.
We miss out on so many beautiful things and simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns.

The best lovers are those who are capable of loving from a distance, far enough to allow the other person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being.
To let go of someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back.
Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that is kept in your heart.

You may find peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return.
We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness comes only with open acceptance of what reality is today.

There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person.
This feeling soon becomes a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions.

The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just friendship.
We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves.

You don’t have to forget someone you love.
What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself.
Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don’t let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself.
Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well.

Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow: If you lose love that doesn’t mean that you failed in love.
Cry, if you have to, but make sure that the tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past as left you.
Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you.
And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime……..

A good relationship isn’t a game you play or an ego trip you take. It is about love and two people.

Loving someone can give us the greatest joy we can ever know and it can hurt more than we can believe too.
When it does not really hurt when that person did something disappointing to you, but really hurts when you see that person in pain and sadness, then you know you truly love that person.

Loving someone means you should be ready to experience heartache and happiness at the same time.
That’s the reward and that’s the risk.
Unless we are willing to experience it, we will never really know what it’s like to love and be loved.

Getting the chance to love and be loved by someone is blessed.
Respect him/her for who he/she is and not what you want him/her to be.

Everyone is pretty and special in his/her own special way.
No one is perfect.
It is true love which closes the gap of imperfectness to form a smooth surface of acceptance for each other.

True love sees and accepts a person for who he/she is.
It is also true love which makes a person change for the better.
The power of true love to a person is undeniable.

Every day everywhere, people fall in love… but just how many of these relationships are self-sacrificing love, and not just relationships which are formed only for the intense feeling of falling in love?

There is a difference between being in love with someone and loving someone.

If a person says he/she is in love with you, he/she means that he/she likes you for who you are now and he/she fell in love with you because of the present you.
This kind of love is temporary and lasts only as long as the fairytale lasts.
When fairy godmother comes in at midnight to whirl us back to reality, we see the heartache of such a relationship… where both were only IN love with each other.

But if a person says he/she loves you, he/she means that he/she loves you unconditionally for who you are now, who you were in the past and who you might be in the future.
When he/she says he/she loves you and really means it, you have to ask yourself if you love him/her too or if you’re in love with the idea of being in love.

something really nice from aiping’s blog. i marvel at how i manage to procrastinate at 1 plus am in the morning, trying to finish part (b) of both the inflation and liquidity preference theory essays. i’m sure i’ll manage to finish them anyway. just sorta regretting that i didn’t research much on the middle east history project and moral philosophy for gp. oh well.

song in the head: i don’t know you anymore by savage garden

you got to gimme gimme R-E-S-P-E-C-T
i got to get it get it R-E-S-P-E-C-T

cheerleading mania :) went to school at the unearthly hour (at least for saturdays) of 8.30am to watch georgia, her best friend kim and denise choreograph (or rather, recall moves and piece them together) cheerleading moves. it was a pretty good session i think :) my job was to sit down, watch + comment on their moves and get bitten by mosquitoes. but still fun anyhow. denise was really good, georgia’s like some kinda genius who doesn’t remember what she just danced/moved and vanessa came up with pretty nice moves. and hsienjun’s not bad either. yipee. it’s coming along nicely. must win. hoho.

went for lunch with georgia, vanessa and hsienjun at pastamania j8 after that. vanessa couldn’t finish her carbonara so hsienjun helped to finish it up, but it was so much that i felt even more full watching hsienjun eat ._. georgia went off for her AKLTG stuff so the three of us went down to the basement so we could go to the supermarket, but we ended up hanging around and talking after vanessa satisfied her rotiboy craving with pappa roti. seems like our topics usually get somewhat philosophical whenever hsienjun’s around. it was a nice talk :) went around looking for big yellow rubber bands and hairbands for vanessa after that. i really have got to go to NWO (with money) and buy another tshirt. gotta love the comfy material. my favourite tshirt to sleep in at the moment :)

amount of econs homework done stands at a big fat zero. will probably be doing it till really late tomorrow. typcial me. but i really am not in the mood to do any homework. too many thoughts flooding my brain.

listening to kelly clarkson now. her songs are not bad i guess. maybe she’ll bring me back to more mainstream music and female artistes. am suspecting that i’m getting a bit sick of my simple plan, yellowcard, hoobastank, creed, lifehouse, greenday, etc. simple plan concert sounds so tempting. but i’ve never been to a concert before and i don’t want to go with my brother. so no live simple plan for me, i guess.

my mum has weird excuses to not let me go out. told her about the class dinner and she said no, because i would probably come home late, and mug homework till the wee hours of the morning. which is true, but the time at which i sleep is completely unrelated to what time i come home lah. i’m quite adamant about going for the class dinner though, and will go even if my mum doesn’t really want me to. she’ll let me go in the end, anyway.

okay. will attempt to complete the inflation essay before i sleep. attempt.

bee-bee-queue.

today’s barbecue was okay i guess. food was okay, but what i liked most was my aunt’s condo. so so nice. they had a really cool playground thing, with a sorta pirate ship thing and a mini flying fox. hell, they have a mini skating rink there! the pool was really nice too. really regretted not bringing my swimming things.

and all the little cousins were there, most notably tanya and sammi :))) my favourite cousins. i really like playing with them and chasing after them to make sure they’re not wandering off or doing dangerous stuff and all. while it does make me feel a little old, the best part is that it takes my mind off things. most of the time, anyway.

and i was soooo lucky. plugged in the mini to have a mini-karaoke session on my own and what happens? i step on dog poo ._. that was definitely the “highlight” of the day. gah.

yawn. getting mildly sleepy. must do some econs before i nod off at the com again, or i’ll never finish that endless pile of homework.

and oh yes. discovered that the PSI was like 95 when we were doing pe yesterday. scary. slightly corrected and taken from yy:
I refer to the article “PSI of 95 Highest for Year” (ST March 25). I was greatly shocked when I saw that the PSI on Thursday 24 March had been recorded at the high reading of 95 at 10am that day. The reason I say this is because, as a student of a Junior College in the Yio Chu Kang area, I had, from 9.15am on Thursday 24 March, been having a Physical Education lesson that lasted until 10.45am.

yy has a great sense of humour. lol.

still tireddd.

am still tired. too tired. there’s like some tired/sick bug going around. gayle and gideon didn’t come to school, mark’s coughing like mad (supposedly coke withdrawal symptoms) and vanessa took (very) early leave. take care and get well soon everyone.

today was as hazy as heck. the track/field area vaguely resembled a mini desert with a sandstorm in the making. and we were supposed to still do pe cos it technically was still “healthy” with a PSI of 56. or 70. the pe teachers can’t decide on which, but they did decide that rain, shine or haze the pe lesson must go on. then mr koh was having some meeting with the principal so we were subjected to mrs toh’s commando-style training. which really sucked for me because my energy levels today were practically negative. everything’s still aching. the muscles just above my knee (???) and strangely enough my arch muscles. weird.

extreme exhaustion was exemplified during gp lesson and maths lecture. i was falling asleep like mad, to the point where i couldn’t even draw a square root sign during maths lecture before succumbing to sleep. thank thank thank goodness there was no bridge today. i would have just slept through the whole thing otherwise. was still tired when i reached home. fell asleep at the com and woke up like two hours later. whee.

aj’s having cheerleading for the first time, and georgia’s in charge for panther house. i think it’ll be quite an interesting experience. will hang about and watch them practise whenever possible. and i’m doing the music mixing :) our class’s quite involved, i think. vanessa and denise are also cheerleading, and georgia roped in most of the guys too. mark and yy’s supposedly going to be mr. and mrs. mascot. lol. meeting’s on saturday, 8am… will probably go, unless i can’t wake up or something. or maybe i should consider it, in view of all the work i have. like the middle east history project. synapse stuff. the endless pile of econs homework. sighhh.

4u class dinner on monday :)) can’t wait to see everyone again. just need to figure out what to do from 12.15 to like 6. homework? we’ll see.

shall click a bit more in EK and retire to bed. sleep is good.

oh mannn. i haven’t felt so tired in such a long time. muscles started aching mildly last night, and when i woke up, boom, full blown muscles aches everywhere. which really confuzzles me because we weren’t even doing all that much for pe yesterday, excluding basketball. and it’s not like i run around all that much during basketball, either. so why am i so utterly exhausted?

fell asleep during history lecture. again! i really don’t get it either. it’s china! i like studying about china! so why am i sleeping? :( was so tired after history lecture i could hardly even keep my eyes open. plugged in my mini, plopped my head down on one of the cafe tables and just slept. sleep is always so fantastically wonderful when you really really need it. by virtue of my nap i managed to keep awake for most of maths. miss tan forced us to sit in front, though technically we could sit anywhere. LT4’s not a bad place to have maths lecture in, actually. makes it pretty darn convenient. somehow managed to stay awake for the whole of econs :) and tutorial after that was quite fun, what with buying kisses, kitkats, m&m’s and snickers. hoho. and we got twix after that! yay for miss tan!

then we trooped off to parliament after lessons. the security checks are so annoying. but the building’s quite cool. like, the room they place our bags in is bombproof. probably just another kiasu measure, like just in case the bags has bombs though it’s been checked by the staff like twice. and mwahaha. the guy asked me what was inside my pencil case. darn funny. they have a pretty nice auditorium. comfy seats. hehe. moot parliament was fun too. it was basically scripted but mark improvised and we got to come up with our own points later. nay to the violent cartoons bill! hoho. and soooo funny. gideon looked so amusing in this coat thing. if only we had a camera! after everything i bought some souvenirs (hehehe. matching ones ;)) and off we went.

me, gayle and yy spotted the taco bell/kfc/pizza hut at funan and let our appetite get the better of us. i ate sooo much. but oh well there’s pe tomorrow. provided that i can actually move my limbs into some semblance of physical activity, that is. it hurts even to stand up and sit down. gah. anyway, had nice talks with gayle and yy, mainly about FOOD. haha. we should seriously go on school food tours. go to SC and eat their noodles with vinegar and all. then they can go to st nicks and eat blue/orange bowl and eat toast. hoho.

okay guess i’ll hurry up and finish copying out tutorial 24 and hopefully start on tutorial 25, before i fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion.

and i wish you would love me too

gotta love mondays and tuesdays. they’re the slackest days of the weeks. today was especially slack, cos we didn’t have to like sit outside the audi on the third level and feverishly try to finish our history tutorial. hoho.

was super wide awake during maths lecture today. for like the first time ever. i didn’t even have to try and keep awake. i just was. quite a feat for me, i think. but i promptly fell asleep during the history and econs lectures. so in a way my sleepiness during maths lectures and history/econs lectures are inversely related? lol.

history competitions galore for us history students. there’s a quiz! am actually feeling quite interested. quizzes are fun. but not a research project thing, which i got “selected” for, presumably because it involves website designing and i’m like the resident geek in class. but i don’t even make my own blog template! sigh. am considering making my own, but i have yet to find the perfect picture that will be representative of my thoughts or feelings or whatever. has to have nice lyrics to go with it too, of course. it has to be lyrics :D but at least the designing’s probably going to be done by the computer science people (i should be taking that subject!!!) but let’s hope they’ll come up with something nice. i probably can’t do anything but i still have my petty demands, an overly fertile imagination and my ever-persistent perfectionist streak. hehehe.

mass civics was interesting. the house would take the virginity pledge. proposition – students, opposition – teachers. opp won, which was like whaaat??? by like two lousy votes. and while i didn’t think the prop made the best of cases, the opp’s case was like a sieve – full of holes. sure, the students started (in my opinion, mildly) personal attacks but i don’t see why the teachers (being the matured and experienced adults they are) should have continued the personal attacks. i especially disliked the way the second opp speaker (no names here, hoho.) dismissed every point of information the prop team offered. like hello? does he really know what POIs and what a debate really is about? the opp winning got us really riled up cos we felt that they didn’t really make any valid points, were totally disorganised (hello, the speakers contradicted each other!) and didn’t really listen to nor attack the prop’s case apart from their definition of who was eligible to take the virginity pledge. they basically just talked about their own points. and ordinarily, i think they would have lost if it was a real debate, cos their definition was way too narrow – like you can only take the virginity pledge if you’re a virgin. that makes sooo much sense. i guess i shall stop rambling about it. basically the prop definitely should have won. bloody ignorant science students. i bet they voted based on entertainment value. well, a large majority of them anyway. when i say science students, i automatically exclude all friends and acquaintances, of course. hoho.

got the history source-based back. 15 out of 25… okay i guess. ms ng pointed out that you can’t reach a level 6 if you haven’t reached level 5. lol. and i wasn’t the only one who dredged up the old sec 3 social studies example of the england-iceland fishing dispute! hahaha. apparently it’s not very relevant, but hey who cares. hehe. sigh. source-based is really quite hard, despite what ms ng says. but at least it’s somewhat easier than essays, i think. after so many bazillion essays i can’t help feeling that i haven’t really developed a good style yet. highest mark i’ve gotten is like 14 or 15 out of 25. how the hell it’s going to morph into like A-grade marks by the end of the year really beats me.

afternoon pe today was actually fun. hoho. the weather was not bad, and despite being quite sedentary for the past three weeks, i managed to do the one round warmup effortlessly. like seriously, that hasn’t happened for a loooong time. maybe the three week hiatus let my feet/shins/knees recover a little. pe basically involved lots and lots of jumping, some pumping, some situps and a bit of running. was fun cos it was like a competition thing. last team to complete whatever has to do ten push-ups. our team never got last ;) played basketball after that :)) haven’t played for such a long time, though i was itching to play, especially after reading slam dunk. pity i can’t do stuff like layups, dunks or rebounds. oh well. i’ll just resign myself to shooting near the hoop, and doing “standing” rebounds. lol. but it’s still fun anyhow :D discovered another blister on the exact same spot as the old one. at least it wasn’t painful, but i thought the callus i had there would prevent me from getting blisters again. apparently not. =/

went to j8 with maryam, gideon, jeanette and jasper. had dessert at the food court, then we went to popular where i bought my new file. whee. went to the apple shop after that, and i bought the wheel film despite the person there informing that i could actually peel off a layer on the ones i bought previously. and when i reach home, i discover that the pod-saviour works better than the wheel film. greattt. eight bucks down the drain, whoopee. am still considering getting a protective pouch thing to put my mini in. considering. and am seriously considering getting new earphones. the sony ones sound really really good. one might wonder why i bother to spend additional money on top of getting the mini, but i say it’s an investment to get the best of out my ipod. 89 bucks. i can get the money out of my past birthday money or i can start saving up again. hmmm.

and i do stupid things. like fall asleep in the bus (it’s not my fault, 55 is a 100% sleep-inducing bus), wake up thinking it’s my stop and hurriedly going down (pressing the bell like three times along the way) before getting out and discovering that i was at the freaking wrong stop. the stupid gain city thing lah… i thought it was the SPC petrol thing. gah. at least i had more buses there. but still. waste of time.

whoa. it’s so late already. and i still gotta copy out the vectors tutorial… let’s really beg miss tan to let us hand it in on thursday eh =\ shall copy one last sum and retreat to the temporary haven known as my bed.