i was just reading full moon wo sagashite when this line jumped out at me, and i couldn’t stop the tears from forming.
“everything about her made me happy.” – sakurai eichi about kouyama mitsuki
how can one person make you so happy, but so sad at the same time?
photos taken on sports day uploaded. at yahoo photo, it’s a pain to upload at imagestation nowadays. i can’t be bothered to caption, anyway.
hands must have been damn shaky on that day. most photos are quite sadly blurred :(
oh well. enjoy anyway.
first up – thanks gayle. thanks for listening, even when i can’t tell you the whole story. i promise that i’ll tell you everything one day. now’s just not the time. but really, thanks. and don’t worry about it. the entry before this was when i felt really, really down and at a total loss as to what i should do. it’s not like i’ve realised what i have to do, but at least i’m better now. just another one of my mood swings.
actually i really didn’t feel like going to school yesterday, the first time i’ve felt like that all year. but i’m glad i made it anyway. slept through the first period break. brain in utter turmoil, and sadly sleeping didn’t help. managed to stay awake for the whole of econs lecture. was thinking… too much. perhaps the only good thing about this is that when i think about it i don’t fall asleep. ditto for history lecture, where i stayed awake for the first full history lecture in the week. thinking too much, as usual. ms lee “forced” a gp essay on everyone. was still feeling really down, and feeling worse by the minute. managed to crap out an essay somehow. i felt like the day would never really pick up, but it did.
class photo :) our first, full class photo. all sixteen of us and ms ng. we’ve come a pretty long way, really. and our class’s mad. instead of saying the standard “cheese”, we were saying “sex”. and the informal photos were quite fun. can’t remember what we did for the first one, but the girls were attacking ms ng’s hair in the second. haha. love the class. can’t wait to see the photos.
maths was a sleepy blur. sweltering weather was really getting to me. cca was super slack cos sokpeng and usha weren’t there. i just had to confirm the articles and discuss a bit. was halfway through copying the complex numbers ca from aditi when ms ng messaged asking for her books back. ran all the way to pick up the readings, which cost a whopping $19.20, and it was only from two books. totally cleaned my wallet out, and if sokpeng hadn’t returned me 6 bucks from cca carnival posters i would have been unable to pay. yikes.
aj idol! went with mark and aiping. having mark around makes it a bit more fun and entertaining, cos he’s so funny. pity gideon wasn’t there. but the solo performances were quite disappointing. caryn was the best performer that night, and initially me and aiping wanted to leave after free pizza, cos hazlami didn’t sing well that night. but we didn’t, and i’m SO GLAD we didn’t. shall reserve nasty comments on LJB, but the champagnes rocked. to be fair, hazlami’s voice rocked. he was back to his usual self! i seriously just melted there, and was screaming like mad for him. ask aiping how i deafened her. haha. and he rightfully got crowned as the aj idol :) i wouldn’t have it any other way, really.
supper with mark, aiping and maryam at the jubilee s-11 after that. the waiting for the bus part was damn funny. to me, at least. we were talking about whether mark was hot. lol. apparently vanessa mentioned earlier today that her friend thought mark was “quite hot”, then maryam remembered that vanessa asked her friend if she was sure that mark was “hot”, and not “cute”, then her friend basically said yeah, mark was actually more like cute. and you know what mark said? he said “ah, so vanessa finds me cute! it’s inferred!”. sooo funny lah. and what happens? vanessa comes along. lol.
had qiu lian ban mian despite the muggy weather. yy mentioning it during history lecture sent my gastric juices into overdrive. just had to get a taste of it today. haha. was quite fun just sitting there, eating and talking about random topics from blood donation (where mark quickly made himself scarce), concerts and sports days. then as we were walking in the direction of the mrt, i saw this lady with none-too-nice makeup and rather short shorts (i think she’s a beergirl or something) prancing towards us, clutching the red singtel bag we got free. i was just wondering where she got it from, when she came up to me (because i was also holding the bag. it fits my file! i like it.) and was like “look i have the same bag too! isn’t it pretty? (pointing at some table with a group of guys i didn’t recognise) my boyfriend gave it to meeeee.” in mandarin. and she called mark a shuai ge. omg. it’s madness lah.
i realise that i can’t really stay unhappy for that long. like sometimes i would be feeling really down, but the antics of people like gideon and mark never fails to cheer me up. that’s one of the best things about our class. i never stay down for too long. :)
but i really am still confused. like what the hell should i do? to begin with, i don’t even know what my feelings mean, or what they really are. i realise that i’m horribly inept at expressing myself, to the point where a similar situation happens twice, all because i’ve never really figured out what i should do. it always reaches a point where it’s over, but i’m still stuck in the mire of memories. i can’t move on. the only time i moved on was when i found something new. at the present moment, i am inevitably quite stuck. i’m trying really hard to forget and move on, but it really is a lot easier said than done.
sometimes i can’t help thinking that i really am quite stupid. stupid to let myself sink into despondency for someone who doesn’t care. not anymore. stupid to do a hundred and one things hoping that you’ll notice. wishing that you’ll at least say thank you, or show some appreciation. you never seem to do that. you just push me away. make your excuses. leave. then come back running the moment you want or need my help. i’m painting you in a most awful light, but that’s really how i feel sometimes. and if my suspicions are right, that you know the truth, then you clearly are making use of me. i don’t like being made use of, but i realise that i can’t bring myself to dislike or hate you for this. somehow i’ve managed to convince myself that i should just accept what you’re doing. because i can’t help feeling that i’ve already reached the point where i fully accept you and who you are, strengths, flaws and all.
but is it really true, or have i merely just convinced myself that it is? that’s the problem with me. i don’t know. too many things. i don’t know what it means when i see you differently from other people. what it means when i feel different around you. what it means when i hang on to your every word and automatically file away bits of info about you into my brain, even when i don’t mean to. what it means when you never really give a word of thanks. what it means when we have less than ten lines of conversation now. what everything means.
maybe it’s because i’m a boring person. i can never come up with things to talk about, and especially so when it’s with you. i get tongue-tied. i fear to talk about the mundane, just in case you get bored. i can’t banter with you, just in case i annoy you. i just want to talk to you about anything you want to talk about, but i also fear that i may just blurt out the truth by mistake. and i guess you can’t have anything if you can’t even seem to communicate.
i’ve been through this before. i’m just trying to figure out which one’s worse. the previous one, or the present one. i think it’s this one, even as i wonder if my feelings are just superficial, surface ones. but i think the fact that i’m willing to change myself for you shows that it might not be as shallow as i think it is. maybe.
the entry is going nowhere, as usual. shall end off with a burning question – do you or do you not know? if you do, why aren’t you saying anything?
arghhhh entry was in the midst of being typed when i fell asleep and woke up to find it gone thanks to firefox. boo.
now mum’s chasing me to go and sleep. my whole entry gone. BAH.
today’s been such a long day that i don’t know where to begin. let’s go in near-chronological order.
hmmm. first lesson of sorts was the 15 minutes after pledge-taking in class. ms. ng talked about cheerleading and how some of us are too obsessed with cheerleading. haha. and there was pe :) physical was moving boxes of drinks from the lan room near the audi to near the reading room, and moving some chairs. that was it. haha. and then there were games :)) like, finally. played GS for the red bibbed people, though i didn’t manage to land a single shot. but it still was damn fun anyway. it’s funny how i hate running, but find it annoying that i can’t run beyond one third of the court. netball rules are a bit irksome, but it’s still fun. can’t wait to play again next week. pity that afternoon pe is training for those who didn’t at least get silver. oh well. and oh yes. managed to lose the 0.7kg i gained last week, plus 0.1kg. so now i’m at my all-time low for my weight. and i’ve been eating slightly more than usual lah. but whee.
gp was more discussion on capital punishment, while i let myself sleep during the maths lecture. what’s the difference between letting myself sleep and falling asleep? i at least try to keep awake when i fall asleep. the end result is the same, though. haha. maryam joined us for econs tutorial, which only had like… five people, excluding maryam? we just went through the 15.1 mcqs and that was it.
then it was cheerleading time :) last few practices of let’s get it started, changing into costumes, photo-taking… and suddenly it was time. i was initially quite worried, cos the other houses miraculously improved overnight, with very suspicious looking cartwheels here and there. but we made it somehow. the audience were already impressed by our opening – when nicholas and tengjin flipped their way in. and our 1,2,3,4 cheer was quite different and unique too – i could sort of feel the audience nod in approval of them having actions with the cheer. everybody laughed at the opening, but were really wow-ed by the gymnasts’ flips, and hopefully by the opening moves of diva. i was so super excited and nervous for them that my hands were shaking as i randomly snapped photos of them. in fact i realise that i was standing so far away that i didn’t really see if they were perfect. in fact there were little mistakes here and there, but thankfully they went generally unnoticed, i think. and very very thankfully let’s get it started went well. the double-base and pop was perfect, and the lindy hop swing thing was perfectly synchronised and i could really hear a collective gasp of WOW at it. and the 360 degrees spin too. in short the stunts were perfect :)
and yes WE WON :)
it’s a totally indescribable feeling, to hear that we won. it’s like we expected to win, but when you find that we really have won, it seems totally unbelievable. i’m so glad, because the girls and guys got recognised for the many hours of hard work they put in. i can honestly say that we deserved it. we were planning and practising long before the other houses even formed their teams. we were pretty consistent throughout, and like georgia said, it was really great as to how we weren’t even obsessing about what to do, but precisely what to do. like smile more, sharpen this move, improve our timing etc. consistency pays off after all :)
dinner at the fish&co glass house. haven’t eaten there for a looong time. the fish&chips are as good as ever. i remember the first time i ate fish&co. it was at novena. how ironic. anyway it was all quite fun. listening to horror stories of ri boys, recounting the cheer routine and reviewing it all. :)
and then there’s me. how i feel like i’m dying inside. do i truly feel no pain, or have i numbed myself to it? it’s become blindingly obvious. you might as well tell it to my face. your actions say it all. not once, but twice. maybe thrice, even. then again, and again. my brain registered the hurt i felt, but not the pain. does that make sense? it gnaws at my soul but not my heart. why why why. do you really hate me that much? am i really that disgusting? i could practically feel the waves of loathing coming from you. it’s not my imagination anymore. it’s the truth. i no longer harbour any hopes. reality bites. i don’t get why i can’t just face the truth and move on. to hold on when there is no hope, to do things and not have you care. is that the l-word or just plain stupidity. i’m just someone you look to whenever you need or want something. you’re just making use of me. i can see that. and yet i can’t. what should i do? i’ve given up, but i can’t. not really, not completely. it’ll take time but i try. very hard. but i have a feeling that no matter how hard i try, i won’t be able to forget. if it never started, then that means that there can be no ending, either. but there was definitely something. so where did it go? when did you start abhorring me so?
suddenly everything seems insignificant. i don’t know. too sleepy. too tired. you might as well kill me, really. it would be far less painful.
i still can’t get over the fact that i’m not supposed to run for extended periods of time.
and yes i can’t believe that i’m blogging about it, either.
but it really is the perfect excuse. i can’t run because i can’t.
after feeling like crap because i run/jog so abysmally slower than other people, it feels really good to have a reason to explain it.
or does it? i don’t know.
sometimes ignorance is dangerous. i never knew that as a kid, my feet hurt after too much shopping because they were flat. i thought it was normal. i never really realised that running with pain is abnormal, until recently.
it feels convenient. too convenient, maybe. like oh, i got flat feet and that’s why i can’t run. it sounds totally me, actually. but somehow there’s this little voice telling me that i don’t really want to use that as an excuse. of course, there is the overwhelmingly loud voice blaring that i certainly did not want to go through running and the pain that inevitably comes with it.
my entry is going nowhere. my eyelids veer on the precarious cliff of closing. but a tiny, hyper part of my brain is still going “you don’t have to run you don’t have to run!” while about half of it is yawning away.
okay really need to go sleep. the brain has been reduced to a fuzzy haze of sleepiness. will blog about my no-running when enough brain cells are awake. yawn.
whew. if i was awake yesterday, then i was practically sleeping for all the lectures today. too damn tired lah. at least it was only a mild headache and not a full-blown migraine this morning.
the day was just a blur of lessons, i guess. failed maths test again, as expected. sigh.
finally went for my session with the swedish dr. lopez. he’s quite a nice guy, and funny too. haha. basically he confirmed my suspicions – hip problem was cos of flat feet. but he went one step further and explained everything. like how my knees and hips lean inwards to accomodate my weight. and how i inadvertently use my hip muscles instead of my back muscles, meaning they’re almost perpetually stretched when i sit or stand. and when i run, the poor muscles are subjected to violent, explosive motions that make them hurt.
so basically i’m not supposed to run for long periods of time. i can’t help but feel totally relieved. like i can do pe without having to run too much. it’s practically a dream come true lah. which means no more 2.4 for me either, thank goodness. so i guess i’ll be doing pe tomorrow, provided that i feel okay. right hip has been slightly achy since the session. but oh man it was so good lah. when he turned my back and “cracked” it. love that feeling. haha.
~!@#$%^&* my beautiful new puma jacket’s ruined, thanks to the stupid toilet in school. i guess it’s partially my fault for walking around with it, but the stupid toilet is way too crammed. all i did was to accidentally brush against the sink (while it was in the midst of cleaning, with acid or whatever cleaning agent smeared on it) and bam, the jacket’s ruined with a few unsightly yellowish marks on the grey. ARGHHHHH. AND IT’S NEW LAH :((( unless i can think of some excuse, i doubt i can exchange it. i can’t believe i’ve spoiled the jacket so fast :((
wanted to blog about doing things for you, and whether it’s ever worth it, considering that you never seem to notice or care. somehow it doesn’t really matter to me. sometimes.
too distraught over my ruined jacket. nooo :(
whew. long but sorta fun day today.
spent the morning pre-assembly time talking with jeanette about our common EC. hoho. suprisingly enough i managed to keep awake for most of maths lecture. actually my sleepiness is marginally improving, i think. kept awake for most of history lecture too, until the end. ditto for econs. so yay? haha.
gp was quite interesting. passing judgement and punishments on crimes and all. which does, of course, beg the question of what punishments are for. but that’s a question for gp, not my blog.
spent lit break with a bit more gossip with jeanette. i think the chicken rice stall auntie heard me complaining about discrimination in the school canteen (guys get a lot more food at the chicken rice and economic rice stalls) and gave me my second “big” plate i’ve ever gotten in all my ajc life. haha. there was a bit of a scare when a rat ran around in the canteen. they’re there all the time, really. just that this one was brave enough to venture out in the day. hehe.
mass civics was some boring talk by some civil servant guy. gossiped with jeanette again. hahaha. CM, EC, HC. our secret codes. sorta. am not actually all that serious about our EC, as much as i talk about it. it’s just a distraction, like jeanette says, from the HC. the HC is still the best.
can’t believe i stayed in school till about 8 plus to watch and sorta help out with cheerleading. watched the other houses’ routines… they were okay. i still like panther’s ones best. the graceful diva part and the very usher-ish toxic part. it’s so nice to watch. you’d think i’ll get sick of it after seeing it like a hundred times, but no. i still like watching it. there’s an undefinable beauty in the moves that makes me want to watch it again and again. :)
and ohhh it was so funny lah. we didn’t have D-size batteries for the council cd player so i borrowed a loudhailer and put my phone to it so they could practise with the music. hehe. then we had a bonding session thing. talked about our experiences (yes, even mine as the naggy perfectionistic music director/manager/critic) and all. like someone said, it’s not about winning anymore. it’s about doing their best. i must say that i really am quite excited for them. my hands were shaking as i watched them do their stuff in front of other people. if i was nervous, imagine their nervousness – they’re the ones doing it anyway. but they’re good. i bet they can practically do all their moves in their sleep. am so proud of them. i feel like a mother. haha.
sleepy. still need to splice music. reaching school at 6.30am tomorrow. it feels mad, really. but oh well. just two more days.
i want candy.
mmm.
it feels nice to sit around do nothing, smelling of original lime source, the taste of peach d’juice lingering on your tongue.
been craving egg tarts like mad ever since i ate the one from the place that sells hoover fish porridge. the ones from yiling confectionery weren’t too good, the ones from the tau sar piah place were only so-so. the danroll ones are quite good, actually. yum. i love egg tarts. i love the smooth, jelly-like texture of the egg, and i especially love the crust. i love the way it crumbles, and the mild, sort-of sweetness of it. i used to eat all the egg first and leave the crust for the last, but now i just take bites out of the egg tart. it’s more messy, but the taste of egg with crust is simply divine. mmm. must resist attempt to eat the other egg tart.
econs test was… okay? bad? i dunno. gonna do badly for mcqs. oh well. not too sure about case study either, considering that i didn’t have time to write everything i wanted to write. sigh. at least it’s over.
am sooo bored. i have so many things to do, and yet nothing at all. ha.
am so dead for econs test. haven’t really studied, haven’t done any mcqs and now ivle’s down.
the scariest part is that i seriously don’t feel like studying at all, when i ordinarily would have plunged into studying with great gusto. sigh.
went out today to taka. sis got new white/purple puma shoes, i got a nice new jacket. and i got my nike air storm beacons :) sis says its not v. nice but i don’t care. i like it. and that’s enough, right?
have come to realise that i’ve stopped thinking so much about it. i think. i think deep down i’ve already given up, but some part of me still refuses to admit that. i refuse to admit that it was quite possibly something very superficial, because all those feelings didn’t come from nowhere.
maybe i’m trying to convince myself that i’ve stopped thinking about it, when it’s actually bothering me so much that i can’t sit down and study for econs.
maybe all i need to know is the truth. if you’re feeling what i wish you were feeling. or if you’ve actually just hated and disliked me all this time. but why? i know how utterly imperfect i am, and i know that i’ll never be perfect, but am i really that detestable? but if i am, explain the beginning. why, why, why? both started magnificently, only to end with scarcely a whimper. not once but twice. in almost exactly the same circumstances. two people who are completely different with startling similarities. with each other, and with me.
have i blogged this before? it seems that fate likes to play cruel pranks on me. yes i’m thinking too much again. i can’t help myself. is this self-pity? i don’t think so. it’s just my brain going round and round the same topic.
maybe the difference is that i’ll tell you the truth, whether you hate me or not. i guess it depends on whether i’ll still be feeling the same about a year from now. the question is how. would i ever summon enough guts to tell it to your face? will it be a phone call? a letter? a scrapbook? somehow or another i just have the feeling that i will tell you no matter what. the only thing i’m truly afraid of is your reaction. i don’t discount the possibility of completely losing you, but then again we’re so far away now that i don’t think it makes much of a difference. you can’t lose what you never had.
but well, that’s a matter for another time.
now to try and concentrate on econs.
