while my heart got shattered

when you act like nothing ever happened
i feel like i should feel bad
but i can’t like
someone who thought
they’re the only one that mattered
while my heart got shattered like romantic roadkill
my heart is all splattered your ego got fatter
and i hope that you’re flattered
cos you broke this down
the best thing that you never had

song’s been a bit stuck in my head somehow. actually, just the “my heart got shattered” part. it just sounds nice.

seriously overslept this morning. woke up to hoobastank’s running away, only to fall back asleep for what i thought was a mere five minutes. imagine my horror when i woke up to find that it was already 7.30am. and the maths lecture’s at 8. thankfully my dad was still at home…

but the ride to school was a bit… tense? dad was saying stuff about my 3rd aunt, and my late uncle. how he should not have bought the house and that he passed on because the roof was leaking or stuff like that… sometimes my dad is so fastidiously superstitious that it’s annoying. closing the main door a bit too hard is a crime because it’s bad luck, and he doesn’t like us saying “bye” to him because of its… implications. it’s just screwed lah.

maths lecture wasn’t too bad. managed to understand parts of the lecture despite not having attended the earlier lecture. and it’s quite fun to use the distribution table. haha. was awake for the most part of the lecture, though the sleepiness was quite overwhelming towards the end. but miss tan was nice and let us off early :)

went to j8 with maryam and aiping. headed straight to liberty market and bought my lifesavers. hehe. had a big jap food feast – corochan corrokke, yakitori and sushi. hehe. cabbed back to school because the thought of having to cross two overhead bridges was simply too awful.

history remedial was okay. basically went over two essay questions. a bit long and draggy actually. but not bad, i guess. for the sake of my history grades, i gotta work harder, i guess.

talked to gayle after that. thanks for listening, gayle :)

was considering doing a weight loss blog after reading about a few in the straits times. haven’t lost as much weight as them, but losing weight is a start, right? only thing putting me off is proclaiming my weight for all to see. i’ll see how, but it’s an interesting thought – an asian version of a weight loss blog.

might have to put off asking you, after all. i guess i should just be less selfish. better to suffer in silence than to stir up unneccessary trouble, i guess. sometimes i just wonder if you already know, and am just waiting for me to ask. but that’s another one of my hopeless dreams, isn’t it? wish i could stop being such a dreamer, and wake up to reality. but it really is so hard to change something that’s been such a constant in your life, isn’t it? i’ll feel so empty without my feelings. and this always leads me to wonder if my feelings are that deep, or if i just don’t like the idea of no longer having them? feelings are such weird things.

best thing that you never had.

i will be a fool / a fool for you

finally finished copying out today’s lecture notes, and that’s all the work i’ve done for today. argh.

also finally found out the mind-boggling number of topics we have for the maths common test today, thanks to jieyi. i am so going to die. how am i going to juggle so much maths, history and econs??? and i haven’t even dug out my maths notes and tutorials yet. and that’s assuming that they exist. think i will be majorly screwed for maths… have to stop thinking of giving it up. if i give it up now i’ll never pass the a’s. cannot. will not.

history tutorial today went quite well, despite a somewhat slow start because miss ng wanted everyone there before she would start. so we waited for quite some time. poor mark got a flat tire (everyone assumed that it was on a car, until i think denise pointed out that it was probably a flat on his bike. she was right.) and was a bit late. haha.

went to nyp for lunch after that. i have to seriously stop thinking about cabbing everywhere. but the fact that it hurt when we were only halfway there makes the thought really tempting. ate macs (too much fastfood! argh.) and surprisingly they had coke light there! which was a total waste cos maryam went to cheers to get a bottle to satisfy her coke light craving. oh well. remind me never to eat the pasta from the grinning gecko place, btw. dwayne’s food unfortunately looked terribly unappetising. and it probably was, judging from the big mac (was it a big mac?) that dwayne was eating after leaving about half of his pasta untouched. yech.

fell asleep for the first half of the maths lecture i went for. maybe it was the food. or me sleeping a bit too late last night. or maybe it was having to perpetually squint at the screen because the was really too damn small, especially the sub/superscripts on the integration signs. either way i plunged into a dream which i’m pretty sure was very very important but had absolutely no recollection of when denise woke me up. i was telling myself to remember to remember my dream when i fell asleep again, but then i ended up being awake for the rest of the lecture instead. funny how things work, eh? but my copying speed still leaves a lot to be desired, and so i borrowed denise’s notes home to copy anyway. and oh man. denise’s nutrageous bar! (read: nut-rageous, not nutra-geous!) so so so sinful. i really love peanut butter with chocolate. it’s just so good. really must go down to liberty market and stock up on candy and chocolate to subsist on during the hols.

skipped the second half of maths lecture so i could go to dr. auw (not aw, dear denise) and get a referral for an x-ray of my still swollen foot. at least now i know it’s natural to still have it swollen after a week. i guess all my previous sprains were nothing compared to this one. although it does completely befuddle me as to why this one was so bad, when all i actually did was to trip over myself (yes you read that right) while trying to turn and run. really weird. okay maybe not trip over myself. more like have my right ankle suddenly give way for no apparent reason. creepy. but he also said i shouldn’t have gone to the chinese sinseh. which means i’m going to heck all warnings about cold drinks sour stuff etc. i will drink what i want, i’ll handle the rheumatism when it comes.

went over to my grandma’s place before i went for the x-ray, because my dad had to talk with the contractor about fixing the leaking roof and all. sometimes i really can’t stand my dad and the way he treats my grandma and the rest of my extended family of his generation. he is so supremely bossy and somehow has this notion that he’s always right. i suppose i take after him a bit in that aspect, when i tell my brother what’s good for him and what’s not etc… but my dad is at a completely different level. i’ve had a few of my aunts openly tell me that they can’t stand my dad, and i always don’t know what to do. should i apologise for him? or nod, because i can understand what they mean? let’s face it. my dad’s quite the male chauvinistic pig (how many times have i heard him say that he wished that i was a son???) and what really got me was how he once said my aunt had no right to interrupt a conversation between him and my grandma simply because she was already “married off”. i was like… what the hell? and my grandma’s not her mother?

felt really sorry for my grandma today. my dad’s always raising his voice and it seems to me, talking down to her. it was so horrible when my dad decided to move the two pots of kumquat trees just in front of the door just because he stepped on one of the ripened fruits, despite my grandma saying that she didn’t want to move them… my grandma was trying to laugh it off but i think i could tell that she wasn’t really all that happy… i honestly cannot fathom how my dad expects me to keep a civil tongue all the time when he speaks like that to his own mother. how exactly does he expect me to respect him when it seems to me that he’s so insufferably rude to my grandma?

i really wish i could do more for my grandma. i probably wouldn’t like it all that much but seriously i’ll live with her if it makes her less lonely. my cousin’s staying at her place now, but i think he’s out most of the time anyway. it must be hard living alone in a huge house. and i’ll definitely getting her a bigger tv when i have the money. i feel horrible that her tv’s smaller than any one tv that’s at home. and before the set before that was somewhat spoilt and discoloured. have no idea who bought a new one for her, but it was changed only when i pointed out to my mum that it was terrible having a spoilt tv like that. but it’s still too small, and was probably a free gift from signing up somewhere. i must resolve to visit her more often, especially after the a’s.

getting a bit ranty here, but oh well. i bet my sister never realises how much she is like my father. i honestly hate it when my sister blames my parents for everything. saying that she’s “disabled” because she used to walk cross-legged and thinks that one of her legs is slightly longer than the other. and when she says something rude she likes to quantify it with “i learnt it from mummy what”. ugh. she was really rude to my mum earlier. my mum was complaining of aches around her neck, probably because she has to do a bit of housework now, and my sister was like it’s all your fault for not exercising when you were young? like my mum had the time, considering that she had to help out at her parents’ noodle stall after school? and she was saying that there wouldn’t be any problems at all if we were rich. it just irks me how she can be so completely ungrateful. our parents probably aren’t the best of parents, but the least she can do is to be thankful that we have decent parents. and another one of my gripes with her is how she takes things to extremes. when there’s food she doesn’t like, she just calls it “dog food”, which somehow really pisses me off, because i feel that she has no right labelling food that someone has put effort into cooking like that.

sigh. i guess i was just taking the opportunity to complain about my sister. i shall stop before i launch into a tirade about my brother… have i blogged about this? but it was quite weird, when georgia asked me if i loved my sister and i had no answer. i can’t seem to define love for my family. it seems that it’s a completely different feeling from what i feel for you. maybe because it’s always there, just a whole lot less obvious? how exactly do you define love for your siblings or parents, anyway? buying food and stuff you know they like? i really don’t know. i know my family and i don’t know them. i don’t really tell them stuff about my friends and all, just events and things that happened. and neither does my sister really tell me about her friends. nor my brother. and i seriously do not confide in my parents about some of my… problems, because i don’t think they’ll ever understand. love is a strange thing.

and it seemed like something wanted me to sleep and dream, because sleepiness overcame me barely ten minutes into copying out the lecture notes. and it was so overwhelming that i just gave up and went to sleep in the room. and i had one of my weirdest dreams in a long time. something about humans called clones with the power of metamorphosis? sorta like animorphs, but without having to absorb the dna first. it was really weird. i was in many places, i was many animals… and strangely enough adeline appeared and i think she was errr…. quite happy being an ant in a colony of 147 or 187, i can’t remember. how’s that for strangeness?

i seriously need to stop thinking about how to somehow include you in every entry on purpose.

yet another beautiful lifehouse song. never realised how perfectly this song describes me.

seems my own arrogance has knocked me off my feet again
when you know i’m crawling to you as fast as i can
first teach me to walk and then i’ll learn to dance for you
like an honest clumsy clown tripping along the way

cos i’m reaching for you
but my arms aren’t long enough
and i’m running to you
if i could go a little faster…
and i’m crying to you
but i can’t hear my own voice
and i am waiting for you
trying not to fall asleep now

cos i’m clumsily dancing away this fear
i’m stumbling closer to you
and i am tumbling over my pride
i will be a fool for you

what are you thinking when you look down on me
are you
frustrated with my inconsistency
or intrigued that i can find the will to get back up or
maybe all of this is simply amusing

cos i’m reaching for you
but my arms aren’t long enough
and i’m running to you
if i could go a little faster…
and i’m crying to you
but i can’t hear my own voice
and i am waiting for you
trying not to fall asleep now

cos i’m clumsily dancing away this fear
i’m stumbling closer to you
and i’m tumbling over my pride
i will be a fool
a fool for you
[lifehouse: fool]

after all this time

i never thought we’d be here
never thought we’d be here

listening to lifehouse’s blind now :) my undone history tutorial looms ahead, but for now i don’t feel like caring. i need to savour one of my last few moments of freedom, right?

spent a good part of the later evening rummaging through my horrendous stacks of paper unceremoniously shoved into various drawers around my work area (aka the area around the computer) to uncover and sort out my history and econs notes. the thickness of the stacks of paper i’m supposed to study and commit to memory by the end of the june hols is starting to scare me. not to mention maths, which will quite undoubtably be a huge pain in the behind to dig up and arrange. especially since i’m not even sure what topics are tested for the common test.

sort of did my schedule and wrote down all the stuff i have to do. am wondering if i should do the flexible hours thing i did while studying for prelims (or was it the o’s?) now. but i guess not, considering that i’ll hardly even be at home for the first week or so of the hols…

seriously addicted to smallville again. but i guess i’ll have to resist the temptation and watch at the very most two episodes a week. i must say that it’s better to download and watch on my com than to watch it on tv. for one, no annoying malay subtitles. for another, the video quality is really quite fantastic and finally, i get to pause and go to the loo whenever i want, and there are no annoying ads. hehe. i just don’t like how lana and jason kiss so much. they kiss more in one episode than clark and lana has for a whole season. damn sad lah. and even when they do kiss, clark’s not usually himself or whatever. have i mentioned how i absolutely love the idea that clark and lana are connected in some way? :))) although it did irk me that lionel luther had a stone with the same symbol on lana’s back. clark&lana rocks. all the chloes, lois’s and jasons should just go away. and yes i’m in denial but i can dream, right?

am starting to wonder if the chinese sinseh has been cheating me or if it’s because i’m still quite regularly ingesting “forbidden” food and beverages like lots of chicken and drinks of the chilled variety. it’s still bloody swollen and it still hurts like hell when i try to turn it. and i realise that i’ve been unconsciously walking on the outside of my foot all this while. it feels like a bone is poking out whenever i try to walk on the inside. i sound like a whiny brat but i really am supremely annoyed by my stupid sprain and its inability to recover. it’s already ten days! i think i really should get an xray. don’t want the shanghai trip to be spoilt by my inability to walk. or rather, ability to totter around for limited periods of time.

candy of the moment are sour lifesavers. miss ng passed them around once, but they tasted a bit weird at that time. but now they’re great, except that if you eat too much it sorta erodes the roof of your mouth. you probably will get a “hole” in your tongue if you eat enough. but it’s so deliciously sour! and the sweet part after the sour is really good too. must go to j8 and buy them soon. and try the berry lifesavers which my sister claims are very good. word of warning though. don’t buy mint lifesavers because they’re just more expensive versions of polo with a different name. and as vanessa and gayle will testify, the wintergreen flavour is a bit… weird. let’s just say it’s an acquired taste eh. (that phrase always reminds me of sushilla and vadai in abraham’s promise, somehow)

okay will finish history tutorial, pack up for tomorrow and sleep as early as possible. no maid to wake me up =/ let’s hope the phone alarm prevails.

skindeep

am quite addicted to smallville again. hehe. just watched three episodes in a row, and it’s so tempting to just watch another one…

but of course it irritates me that lana’s with some other guy and that lois and clark might have a thing for each other later on. boo. clark&lana forever. call me a sadist of sorts, but i like angsty relationships better.

facade was an interesting episode for me. it made me think. mainly about whether beauty was on the inside, outside, or both. i think it’s both, although i do lean a bit more towards the “inside”. i mean, don’t you find that people do actually look sort of better once you get to know them? that’s the case for me, at least.

it happened both times. and that’s how i know (or think i know) my feelings. because i could only see your beauty after i got to know you. not before.

“For two people so different, you have remarkably similar interests.” – Lex Luthor, in Facade

somehow this line just jumped out at me. okay fine i do know why it jumped out at me. i just didn’t want to repeat myself for the umpteenth time.

i’ve contemplated telling someone, actually. i’d like to say that it’s not that i can’t trust anyone else, but it’s more of a matter of me never ever wanting to risk a single other person knowing. like i’ve said so many times… on one hand i’m just being selfish but on the other hand i don’t want to harm or hurt you in any way. i feel like i need someone to rationalise me. tell me that it’s really all my imagination (or that it’s not). give me reality checks when i need them. but i guess it would be better to keep it to myself and be alone, for now.

except that i’m not really alone, eh. i know that someone out there knows. it might be you, it might not be. if it’s not you then i really must admire that someone for being able to keep his or her mouth shut. that was a compliment, if you were wondering. i have to thank that someone, actually. if anything was said, i guess i would be so screwed that there would absolutely be no way out. (was about to say unscrewed but it doesn’t sound very good.) so yes, thank you for keeping it a secret. i really appreciate it. unless, of course, that someone is you. now that i would definitely not appreciate… because why can’t you come right out and tell me what you really feel? good or bad, the end doesn’t really matter to me. i just want the truth.

just wanted you to tell me the truth
you know i’ll do that for you

finished reading angels and demons earlier in the day. lots of twists and turns, as per dan brown’s style. while this was more twisty than the da vinci code, i somehow still prefer the latter. maybe the first book makes the deepest impression? but the illuminati symbols were all seriously cool. the perfect square symbol part was a bit obvious, but you can’t help feeling kinda pleased that you figured it out before robert langdon did eh :P

made a wasted trip to the airport, because we had walked so much by the time we made it to the booth for making the biometric passport thing that i was way too tired (or rather, the foot/ankle was feeling way too painful) for me to go to terminal 1 to get a photo taken since i adamantly refuse to use the old photos i had. lots of school trips there though. think i saw ri, rgs and even stnicks. mrs cheong was there. thank goodness she didn’t (or doesn’t) recognise me. wish my parents had let me go on more school trips. alone. haha. only school trip i went for was obviously quite memorable, despite having both my parents accompany me like i was some little kid. but it all seems so far away now. to think that about a year or two ago i was still trying to recall and recount memories from that trip… and suddenly it’s no longer important or significant. despite what i like to think, were my feelings really that shallow?

getting a little sleepy… i should be, it’s already 3am. but then again i snoozed from about 11 plus to nearly 3pm earlier today. guess it’s the holiday instinct kicking in. need to seriously sit down and start planning how i’m going to study and spend the precious june hols. i need to stop playing fire emblem (and restricted area, when it downloads… argh.) and all the other games on my com and work. and stop watching smallville too. bah :(

best thing you never had

as promised, a nice ranty entry on how screwed up the NE quiz was today.

for starters, isn’t it quite unfair that different questions (sometimes of largely varying difficulty) are fielded to the various teams? wouldn’t it be a lot fairer if it was the same question? not to mention how some questions practically bordered on stupidity, just because they had such ridiculous choices for their mcqs. surely the audience snickering and laughing would give the team some clue as to what the answer was?

secondly, the audience participation round was screwed. very. the “quizmasters” could pick anyone they wanted based on personal preference, which meant that sometimes it didn’t matter if you raised up your hand first. and it so happened that their eyesight is quite unfortunately only limited to the first few metres ahead of them, because apparently they couldn’t really see us (or tj, for that matter) raise up our hands. what irked me was how they tried to “help” the jcs that weren’t doing too well, like hc. shouldn’t it be based on merit (ie speed)? and the fact that there are six questions for four teams to try and answer essentially means that some teams get a higher chance/possibility of winning. isn’t the playing field supposed to be level?

and the more irksome thing was their sloppiness. according to maryam they implemented the “select a representative to answer two (consecutive – this was NOT mentioned clearly!) questions” section without briefing them first. so when gideon answered the first question wrongly they immediately went on to the second question without stating that the question was meant for aj, and it was assumed that the next question was for hc, because that was the way it had always been. it was only when he said “time’s up” that i think we all realised what happened. i was actually quite oblivious, because i didn’t look up while i was keeping score on my phone. and it was so un-obvious as to which question was for which team that i didn’t realise i was keeping the wrong scores until i typed the last score for tp and realised that they had just reached tp. and it was so telling, when some school asked for the question to be repeated, only to find out that the question was meant for the previous team. and it was only after that incident that they started to state “this question is for whatever jc”. so essentially we missed out on a question, which could have potentially propelled us to a tie with tpjc. and if they weren’t so biased during the audience participation round, then we might have either tied or beat tpjc too.

so in short it was screwed. i felt that we were cheated out of a place in the finals. if we had equal chances, i believe that we could have done quite well. it felt like our team was one of the most prepared, at least in round 1. the fact that some of the questions were the exact same ones miss ng fielded to us non-participants (and us actually knowing the answers while some of the jc representatives didn’t) is an indication of how prepared we were. or at least, that’s my opinion. i seriously wonder why no one has told the political science department how screwed their quiz is. the format is wrong, the implementation is quite hopelessly flawed. if i sound vindictive, that’s probably because i am. i can’t help it, i really do believe that we should and could have gotten to the finals. perhaps we can attribute it to luck, fate or destiny, but i seriously hate unfairness of any sort.

okay, rant’s done. i think i actually had more stuff to say, but can’t remember it all. but i think that’s quite enough, anyway.

met maria at the ne quiz today! and it was quite cool, because the night before i was just wondering if she somehow was going to be there. haha. and i like the oatmeal cookie they have at the dome cafe there. cabbed back to school with denise and vanessa (yijun got stranded in school) though it was so bloody hard to get a cab. it was actually quite cheap though. about $3.60 divided threeways. cca leaders’ writing workshop was okay. to be honest i don’t really care if it was a success or not. right now i’m just dying to step down and be rid of my synapse responsibilities.

went over to paradigm planet at singapore shopping centre to meet maryam gideon mark and dwayne. played a bit of bishibashi with maryam but the stupid computer cheated lah. and then we went to fish&co :D:D:D

i had the seafood platter for one since no one else was sharing (looks pointedly at gayle) and a kola tonic from maryam’s completed meal of fish&chips. it was sooo good. everything was good. i absolutely adored the rice, the prawns were really fresh and i actually ate the calamari despite usually not even eating calamari/sotong at all. and the grilled fish was so good too – very fresh and fantastically well-cooked. and the kola tonic was nice! it was like a really good mixture of sprite and coke, somewhat like the fizzy cola sweets, but in liquid form. i’m definitely getting the kola tonic the next time i’m at fish&co again. i just ate today and i’m already craving for more. the rice the rice the rice! haha. and it’s georgia’s birthday so she got a really good brownie with ice cream. it was so deliciously chocolatey and blended superbly with the vanilla ice cream. one of my biggest sins has to be gluttony. food is just too good. maybe i should really consider being a food critic. i’ll get to sample all the good (and bad) food – for free! no wait, i get paid to eat. must find out how to go about being a food critic. hehe.

went back to school for the guitar/harmonica concert after getting flowers for yy at ps. didn’t actually want to go, but i guess it was rather worth it after all. i don’t have much comments about the harmonica part, because i just zonked out and fell asleep. according to maryam, my behaviour was rather similar to what i do during maths lecture. haha. was looking forward to hear hazlami sing hotel california, but apparently he vomited blood or something after singing at the disco because of an ulcer or something. so caryn took over, and she’s really quite good. i love the quality of her voice. it’s easy on the ears and enchants me somehow. and i’m not usually a big fan of female vocalists, so you can imagine how good caryn is. met youjun after the concert. glad to know that he’s doing great, with a new hairstyle and all. hehe.

stupid ankle still hurts, especially when i try to put weight on the affected part. my left knee hurts like crap and i don’t think i’m walking naturally yet. according to the cabbie on my way home, i should probably go for an x-ray, just in case. it feels a bit extreme, but then it seriously worries me that it’s still painful and somewhat swollen, even after more than a week. i should have rested more at home. and stop walking around. the best thing is supposedly to just lie down, but that’s so… boring. maybe i’ll just lie in tomorrow and finish reading angels and demons.

am at a loss as to what i should do. the whole question of whether i should think of myself, or of you. whether it is fair to foist (my word of the moment) a potential problem on you just so i can (hopefully) be free to stop thinking about it and concentrate on my studies. and how i should go about asking. to ask directly, or indirectly? how to go about asking it? and most importantly, when to ask you. i really want to get it over and done with. mainly because i want to stop thinking about it and finally give up so i can concentrate on studying. i want to be selfish, but i don’t want to be, either.

my feelings are weird. sometimes they peak painfully, rendering me quite unable to do anything but try to stop thinking about it. and then it suddenly just disappears. or at other times, slowly ebbs away. i wish i could explain what and why i feel like this, but i can’t. i hate the way my feelings consume and occupy my every thought and action, but then again they’re the reason why i get up every morning and pretend that my life is all fine and dandy. irony at its finest, perhaps?

hello how you doing?
what’s it like to ruin all my self-esteem
let me blow off some steam
for five years i’ve waited
so why am i jaded
to get back at you
what makes it cool

when you act like nothing ever happened
i feel like i should feel bad
but i can’t like someone who thought
they’re the only one that mattered
i hope that you’re flattered
cos you broke this down
the best thing that you never had

and it seems like a loss somehow my heart got lost
on the way to my head
and my brain cells are dead
and the craziness shows
now i start to go when the green turns to red
and i should be dead
[butch walker: best thing you never had]

lyrics don’t really apply, but i love the lyrics anyway. butch walker is so wonderfully good. gayle knows now too :P

run

ahhh. i need to savour one of my last few days of freedom, before the june hols start and i attempt to get myself into mugging mode.

what really irks me is that we have so much homework (5 essays and 5 compres for gp, anyone?) that it befuddles me as to how i’m going to find enough time to go for extra/remedial/makeup lectures/tutorials, do homework and study for the common tests. have to motivate myself somehow.

wanted to spend the pe time reading dan brown’s angels and demons but i ended up talking to lim kok wee and mr koh. apparently lim kok wee’s for reforming the TAF system, but unfortunately he’s still quite fixated on the idea of running 8-10 rounds for morning TAF sessions, simply because it’s the most “effective” way to lose weight (yeah right!) especially because they don’t have enough time for TAF etc… at least you can give them credit for trying. got two make-ups cos i didn’t go for the TAF seminar on the pretext of going to the chinese sinseh. apparently you need to take early leave as long as you have some programme on later. shrug. then after doing tanita (i lost 1.4% body fat and 1.2kg of fat mass! yay.) i talked to mr koh. mainly about losing weight and exercising and all. mr koh’s a nice pe teacher to talk to :) had to rue myself for spraining my ankle as i watched the 32+34 girls play netball. am dying to play again, no matter how lousy i am. at least i got to shoot some (netball) hoops with gayle. love the feeling of getting the ball in. interestingly enough it feels more satisfying in netball than in basketball.

love my new history group – vanessa gayle maryam jieyi. girls just work better together ;) hehe the group members were a nice surprise for me and gayle considering that we were just discussing who would be good members earlier in the day, and voila! and somehow the guys got it in their heads to have some sort of competition during history tutorials. we won today – girl power rocks. hehe.

sometimes i’m so perfectionist it scares me. like how i was totally un-enthusiastic about the whole cca leaders’ writing workshop thing, until i saw how haphazard and woefully unplanned the whole thing was… i was just honestly thinking how the hell can we present such sloppily done work to other people? and sokpeng was all okay about it, like it was nothing. when they had to switch powerpoint presentations for no good reason. when you had problems viewing some text because it was way too wordy and some parts were obscured. like didn’t sokpeng learn about powerpoint presentation and the do’s and don’ts during pw? and so i came home and reorganised all the powerpoint presentations. i just hope i didn’t make it too boring in the process, but some of the “humour” put in wasn’t exactly funny, in my opinion. i felt that it was just a show of immaturity and that it lacked a professional feel. and that’s my problem. i tend to think that only my way and my version is correct and perfect, to the point where i sometimes ignore feasible alternatives provided by other people. and that always confuses me because sometimes i can’t tell if some stuff are really just bad, or if it’s just my perfectionistic instincts kicking in. someone better remember to rein me in when we’re doing the history project…

went to the food expo just now. nothing really special, since most booths are repeats from the previous food fair at suntec. took the opportunity to grab more instant mash potato mixes, although they’re apparently sold in supermarkets like cold storage, ntuc and sheng siong. unfortunately i’ve never ever seen them in the supermarket before. weird. but there were no altoids :( the wintergreen altoids are okay, but the original ones are the best. wonder if the marks and spencer mints are altoids in disguise. after all, they do say curiously strong mints too.

yawn. sleepiness is kicking in. would be best to turn in early, tomorrow’s gonna be quite a long day. thankfully i have denise vanessa and yijun sharing the cab back from nus tomorrow, or goodness knows how much big the hole in my pocket would be. can’t wait for fish&co. and i hope the guitar concert’s good :)

i’ll sing it one last time for you
then we really have to go
you’ve been the only thing that’s right
in all i’ve done

and i can barely look at you
but every single time i do
i know we’ll make it anywhere
away from here

light up, light up
as if you have a choice
even if you cannot hear my voice
i’ll be right beside you dear

louder, louder
and we’ll run for our lives
i can hardly speak i understand
why you can’t raise your voice to say

to think i might not see those eyes
makes it so hard not to cry
and as we say our long goodbye
i nearly do

light up, light up
as if you have a choice
even if you cannot hear my voice
i’ll be right beside you dear

louder, louder
and we’ll run for our lives
i can hardly speak i understand
why you can’t raise your voice to say

slower, slower
we don’t have time for that
all i want is to find an easier way
to get out of our little heads

have heart my dear
we’re bound to be afraid
even if it’s just for a few days
making up for all this mess

light up, light up
as if you have a choice
even if you cannot hear my voice
i’ll be right beside you dear
[snow patrol: run]

it’s such a hauntingly beautiful song. i can’t connect with the lyrics, and yet i can.
[edit: i just realised how appropriate this song is for the very last part of the his dark materials trilogy. cool.]
seeing you makes me want to see you all the time. how am i going to survive the hols without you?

ordinary pain

and everything i did
when your love is not your pain
you stand on the choice you’ve made
we gotta live this way
we know a way to you

so stop stand still for a minute if you will
got a bucketful of sunshine a handful of time
we don’t have to talk about
the ones that we can’t live without
cos everybody needs somebody
it’s just an ordinary pain
[lifehouse: ordinary pain]

argh. my mind is like a blank slate now. too much maths kills your brain cells.

i stubbornly and irresponsibly skipped the TAF seminar and the meeting for cca leaders. i almost went for the TAF seminar, until a message about the cca leaders’ writing workshop pushed me to the edge and i sort of snapped. i guess i’m a bit more stressed than i really think i am. but i seriously don’t care. they can dole out their favourite “punishment” (the inverted commas are because they claim it isn’t punishment) known as make-up pe but i don’t really care. it’s not like i can do any make-up right now anyway. it’ll have to wait till after the june hols, probably. but it irks me because i would rather study than have to fake walking 10 rounds. i can’t help feeling glad that i’ll be out of the shitty aj pe system soon. they’re so bloody rigid and annoying. if i interpreted what mrs toh said correctly, they want me to be at the TAF remedial sessions during the hols even when i can’t do any pe. it’s utter madness. do they not see how important and precious time is to a student about to take their a-levels? gah.

and apparently i’ve been walking about a bit too much. aggravated my sprain, and as a result of unconsciously bearing the weight on my left side i strained some muscles on my left leg too. it sucks when it hurts to even walk. i can’t decide which is worse, the constant pain around the sprain or the sharp pain in the vicinity of my left knee which feels like a pencil is being stabbed through it each time i take a step. session at the sinseh was more painful and longer than usual. the muscle massages (if you can call them that) are definitely the worst. it’s a sharp but dull pain at the same time, and there wasn’t anything for me to grab in my moments of extreme pain. and the sinseh’s always asking me to fang song or relax, but like how the hell do you relax when the bolts of pain threaten to bring tears to your eyes? i hate this sprain. derailed my plans to learn cycling during the hols, and if my mum disallows me from the fish&co thing on friday i’ll go bang my head on the wall. the only good out of this is that i get to cab around, but then again it’s quite an unnecessary expense… bah.

don’t you just hate it when you’re absolutely craving for something, and have to settle for something else? was craving new england clam chowder but apparently the ntuc near my house didn’t have it. bah. had to settle for mushroom potage, which is a horribly poor substitute for the deliciousness of clam chowder. gacks, am making myself hungry. must get the maid to make a bowl of clam chowder before she goes back to indonesia for a month. we’ll have to survive on outside food for a looong time. and there’s the problem of laundry. i’m so sadly dependent on having a maid around. in fact, i’ve spent at least 14 or 15 years of my life with a maid at home. i therefore have no concepts of washing the dishes, doing the laundry or washing my own shoes. never really realised how spoiled i really am. haha.

just two days till the hols. and the mugging will begin. i hope. i don’t know why but i feel rather motivated to mug maths. maybe it’s because i like the feeling of being able to actually solve sums. so far p&c, probability and statistics have been somewhat managable, ie i actually know how to do stuff. peeked into miss tan’s notebook and found that i passed the descriptive stats test :) maybe maybe maybe i’ll actually pass the maths common test. hopefully.

didn’t do as badly as i thought i would for history. 12 marks isn’t good, but considering that i only made the briefest mentions of economic problems and glasnost/perestroika.. i should be glad that i didn’t fail. am quite frankly impressed by vanessa and her aptitude for history. it doesn’t seem like it but she’s pretty good at analysis, i think. like hello, she got 14 when she didn’t even study! i definitely have to work harder at history. it’s bad enough to not have the analysis, but to be also lacking in details… that doesn’t bode well for me.

still haven’t done history tutorial. or the history essay that miss ng hasn’t bugged us for. or the econs question miss tan assigned us. and i still have about 3 questions of poisson distribution to go. am not sleepy but i don’t feel like doing work either.

sometimes i don’t know what to think anymore.
at least i get to see you tomorrow :)

i miss you

this is a weird kind of tiredness.

it’s like i’m so tired that all i want to do is go to lie down and sleep, but am only keeping awake through sheer will.

and yet i’m feeling strangely awake, but in a weird and detached sort of way.

i’m confusing myself. i’m tired, but i’m not.

maybe i’ll fall sick after all. sheer exhaustion. i wish.

am dying to go and sleep now, even after i just woke up from one of my mini naps. maybe that’s what made me sleepy. but at least i felt that i forgot about you when i woke up, even if it was only for a while. maybe giving up isn’t all that hard after all. maybe.

have to finish typing out the econs case study. do the compre for gp. do the tutorial for special random variables. the night doesn’t seem long enough. no cult energy drink to keep me awake. i foresee a zombie-fied me tomorrow.

funnily enough i was thinking this very thought, then i come back from the loo and this is what winamp churns up. interesting.

where are you and i’m so sorry
i cannot sleep i cannot dream tonight
i need somebody and always
this sick strange darkness
comes creeping on so haunting everytime
and as i stared i counted
the webs from all the spiders
catching things and eating their insides
like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
will you come home and stop this pain tonight
stop this pain tonight

don’t waste your time on me you’re already
the voice inside my head
(i miss you, i miss you)
don’t waste your time on me you’re already
the voice inside my head
(i miss you, i miss you)
[blink 182: i miss you]

without you

no i can’t forget this evening
or your face when you were leaving
but i guess that’s just the way the story goes
you always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows
yes it shows

no i can’t forget tomorrow
when i think of all my sorrow
and i had you there but then i let you go
and now it’s only fair that i should let you know
what you should know

i can’t live
if living is without you
i can’t live
i can’t give anymore
i can’t live
if living is without you
i can’t give
i can’t give anymore
if living is without you
[harry nilsson: without you]

the harry nilsson version is so much nicer than the whitney houston version. i love the emotion cracking in nilsson’s voice… it’s what makes it such a great song.

how many times have i said that i’m dying inside already? and yet i can’t help feeling that a little part of me is dying everyday, and i can’t do anything to stop it. i don’t know how i do it, really. how i convince myself to hang on and not give up even when the situation is so hopelessly bleak. why do i dream so much? why do i always remain stuck in the past? why can’t i accept that things have changed, and just move on? i really don’t want to live like this anymore. but no matter how many times i try to give up, i just can’t do it. how do you give up when your brain automatically thinks about that someone even when you repeatedly tell yourself not to do so?

but it won’t be very long now, actually. just a little over a week, and hopefully, hopefully it’ll be over. i just hope that i’ll have enough courage when the time comes, and that you’ll be truthful, that you’ll actually answer… i’m sure that the truth will hurt, but at least it will wake me up. hopefully.

history test today was horrible. i didn’t have any real idea as to what to write. not at all. ended up writing slightly less than two pages, which is way too short for a history essay. am resigned to the fact that my history tests for this term are going to suck. badly.

and the common test timetable is worse. gp and history on monday, maths and econs on tuesday. which puts me in a major dilemma as to what i should study the day before – my best subject, or the worst? ugh. at least we get to end by tuesday, if that’s any comfort to us.

i don’t feel like going to school tomorrow. the thing about being absent from school for one day is that it makes you feel like skipping more school. i’m willing myself to fall sick somehow now. sudden detoriation in the condition of my sprain, horrible hip pain, a flu, a cold, a headache, anything. i just don’t feel like going to school. i want school to hurry up and end so i can start studying during the june hols.

and yet i don’t want the hols to come.because that means i won’t get to see you. but it also means that i finally get to ask you. i don’t know what i want.
went to j8 with maryam, gideon and denise+nick. crashed at cartel with potato wedges and free bread for a while, then denick went off while the rest of us went hunting for gideon’s linen drawstring pants. never knew guys could take so long and be so picky with clothes. popped down to liberty market to get lifesavers for my sis and spotted wintergreen altoids there :) it vaguely reminds me of either toothpaste or mouthwash, i can’t tell which. original altoids are still the best.

blogging feels so mundane now. need to stop thinking. need to work. study. anything to stop myself from thinking. i hate myself and my feelings.

you’re the key :)

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality – cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You’d like your lover to think you are loyal and faithful… that you’ll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future… one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You’ll do anything for love, but you won’t fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?