new year, old memories.

i was crashing in my room (something i seldom do, actually) intending to sit down and read james patterson’s cat and mouse, but i ended up taking a trip down memory lane.

or as far as a trip you can take while going through old letters, christmas cards, ticket stubs and other assorted memorabilia, anyway.

it started with my plucking out my two autograph books (remember those?) from a high shelf. i couldn’t help but cringe at my horrible cursive handwriting in my primary 4 autograph book, a yellow bon-bon cat club book with faintly perfumed pages. gosh. and i was already exhibiting my perfectionist streaks then, judging from the silly rules i laid down, like “please use only 2 pages!” “sign at the back page!!!”. i was such an idiot at that time, i think. and oh since it’s my p4 book i do have denise’s autograph inside! haha. but no juicy stuff in it, except for one of her hobbies (she’ll kill me, but i really went heehee when i saw it) and persons she put down as “best friend”.

my primary five autograph book was a blue looney tunes one, and at least my handwriting was a lot better by then (because i eschewed cursive and went back to good old script) though it didn’t seem like i’d matured any. terrible. and funnily enough i can’t find some entries… think i removed those written by people i didn’t like. tsk, tsk. oh, i’d actually gone and mixed up my primary five and six books. primary six was a yellow mickey mouse one. lol. but hmmm it does bring back fond memories too. i wonder what’s become of everyone?

and there was the whole letter-writing craze in primary six, along with the neoprint craze, both of which i never got into, actually. and i probably saved a lot of money not buying fancy letterpads or taking neoprints, too. haha. and i remember having to literally be dragged into a booth to take a neoprint. yes, i was that stubborn and idiotic. but really, what was up with all those silly trends and crazes? but hmmm i guess we’ll always have weird trends that we’ll look back on and laugh at.

and hmmm. i’ve definitely changed a lot since my younger days, but yet i’m still essentially the same. in fact i seem to do the same things and make the same mistakes again and again. and it also seems to become progressively worse. but while i might look back and laugh at myself, i don’t think i’d regret anything, either. all that i’ve done and everything i’ve been through as a result of that has definitely shaped me and made me who i am today, and that’s not exactly something that i should regret, right?

and hmmm again. i never actually thought of doing any reflections till i read gayle’s blog. i’m not really one to borrrow/steal ideas but i think some reflections are indeed in order, considering how i think this year has probably been the most significant one in my life so far.

as i’m writing this 2005 has actually just flown by. but hmmm. if i had to use a word or phrase to describe 2005, it would be that it was like a rollercoaster ride. it was a hell of a ride, with slow climbs and perilous dips but i guess i did kind of enjoy it, after all. and i just realised that i actually am too lazy to list out the high and low points of this year. there were times when i felt like this year might just be the worst year of my life but i guess this year was pretty good to me in the end, after all.

yeah, i guess i like this year. it’s ended on a pretty good note, far better than what i would have ever imagined. and i like to think all the good, happy moments in the year outweigh whatever bad, unhappy moments there were.

with some luck the next year will be as good, if not better than this one. so let’s hope that in a year’s time, i’d be looking back and thinking, yeah, this year was good too :)

and a happy new year.

3404 collage :)

ooh i had no idea that i could do that with picasa. and i was wondering how clever and diligent people must have been to photoshop photos in. and it turns out to be sooo easy. and that’s like after i recommended it to nee. gosh i’m really becoming an idiot with computers.

the only downside is that you can’t exactly control which picture goes where, although you can get it to shuffle the pictures till it’s something you like. and the optimal number of photos to use is three, or you won’t get to see much at all. as it is some people are already cut off. like me, in the nearly class photo at prom. haha.

and here’s a nice summary of the year :)

yes i’m bored.

and, happy new year to everyone! :D

book of answers, right.

the book of answers i bought in bangkok is a most amusing book, really. and it probably shouldn’t be relied on for real answers but i still find it very exceedingly fun.

like when i asked it “are you telling me the truth?” the answer read “you don’t care.” and it really tickled me because in a way, the book was right! haha.

a couple of days later i asked it if it was lying to me. the answer? a simple and direct “yes.” unconvinced, i asked it “are you really lying to me?” and the answer was still “yes.” gosh. so i asked it, “are you a good buy?” and it replied “unquestionably.” the cheeky book! haha.

and another cheeky moment was when i asked it the same question twice, and it replied with “don’t overdo it”. lol.

maybe all of them were just coincidences and whatnot, but all the answers are just so funny. but the book’s pretty much perfect for me, considering how terribly indecisive i am. and it has sort of correctly predicted that the bangkok trip and class christmas party would be a success.

but oh, the response i really don’t like is “use your imagination.”, because as it stands i think i’m using far too much of it. haha.

gosh, this entry is so pointless. just like me consulting my book of answers. lol.

breathe.

i seldom feel like this after swimming, but i’m exhausted. maybe it’s because i’m now swimming lengths instead of breadths. though that doesn’t really make sense considering that i only swam for about one and a half hours. and in that time i only swam about 5.5 laps (or 11 lengths). yes i’m terribly slow swimmer but i like to take my time. i believe it doesn’t really matter how fast you swim as long as you’re moving your limbs for the same amount of time, anyway. or maybe i was just tired from job-hunting, and the fact that i hadn’t slept well the night before.

and yes i absolutely love swimming. i love the way i don’t think of anything BUT swimming when i swim. the only things in my head are all about swimming. move your arms and legs, breathe, surface for air, repeat. are you too far away from the edge? is anyone about to crash into you? there’s no space for anything else. which is why swimming can be so relaxing for me, while being sort of stressful at the same time.

but i really, really dislike public pools, because they’re so cluttered with people it’s so hard to have a really good swim. i think i nearly drowned at least thrice today (yes i’m exaggerating. but i’m a lousy swimmer.) because people kicked or crashed into me. i wish i had a country club membership. or better yet, that i lived in a condo with a pool. then it’ll be less crowded, and more quiet and peaceful.

i would have swam longer (i wanted to do at least 10 laps/20 lengths) but an unfamiliar type of pain was attacking my head and i just couldn’t swim it off. so i decided to just stop while my brain was still functioning. one and a half hours of swimming is still exercise, anyway. and oh i’m glad to say that i seem to be losing a bit of weight. have just recorded my lowest weight since like… june? or whenever i stopped losing weight and started gaining it instead. actually, i have no idea why i’m losing weight since i haven’t really done any exercise but i’m definitely not complaining. less weight = more clothes i can fit into, and buy. mwahaha.

anyway, today was job-hunting day at international plaza. it took me less time than expected to reach tanjong pagar mrt, so i ended up seeing about five boon lay-bound trains pass before vanessa appeared. our first steps into international plaza got us a bit confused, because all we could see were shops. where were the recruitment agencies??? it turned out that those were in the higher floors, only accessible by a variety of lifts that only stopped at a few floors, depending on whether they were low-rise, medium-rise or high-rise lifts.

we first went to manpower services and kelly services (the one on the 33rd floor) since vanessa’s mum had mentioned/recommended them, before going back down to the first floor to copy down the unit numbers of all the companies that sounded like recruitment agencies. and you basically keep doing the same thing – open the door, go in, say “hi, we’re looking for temporary jobs”, write down your details, then move to the next agency and repeat. but it was also quite funny because we both wrote stuff like “anything” for position applied, and at my suggestion vanessa almost put “running” as one of her skills when we were signing up with this online application thing at adecco. lol.

and so far the best (and only) offer we got was from the kelly services on the 27th floor. it’s a 4 or 6 days temporary job at hermes, where all we’re supposed to do is like… dust leather bags or something. basically quite a slack job. it’s not confirmed that we’ll get it but it does sound pretty good. i’m only worried that if and when i get it, it’ll clash with my already clashing tuition sessions. oh well, i’ll figure a way out i guess.

after exhausting our list of recruitment agencies (which i must say was rather boring and tiring work) we went down to coffee bean to chill for a bit since vanessa wanted to read the 8-days she’d just bought. i tried their peppermint mocha ice blended, which disappointingly had barely any taste of peppermint, except for the little candy cane that came with it. and i was very amused by some of the ads in the new paper, especially those for like ktv lounges and stuff. like the one looking for mamasans, and the one with “call mummy gina at 9xxxxxxx”. okay i suppose it’s not funny but i have a weird sense of humour la.

and oh i feel sooo bad. while job-hunting i met xiting, a primary school classmate, but i couldn’t remember for the life of me what her name was, though strangely enough i could remember that she went to cedar.

and hmmm i’ve just finished two books in two days, which i suppose is quite fast for me considering my short attention span for books these days. hmmm and that’s probably because they were thrillers. haha. i couldn’t put down james patterson’s the big bad wolf and julie kenners’ the givenchy code was pretty good. i should get to the library soon and borrow more alex cross novels. they really are very good page-turning crime thrillers, though the number of women alex cross goes through is actually a bit mind-boggling. haha. if you like thrillers give james patterson a try. especially along came a spider. which i actually feel like reading again. hmmm maybe tomorrow, after tuition.

and oh noes, not another exam-type dream! this time i dreamt that the whole class was taking an e maths exam, and that both me and vanessa had forgotten to bring our instrument sets, which i still vaguely recall as being almost essential in an e maths exam. and then the exam was suddenly over and for some reason i was borrowing lit texts home. and then… i can’t remember anything else. bah i hate dreams about exams. it reminds me about… blah. don’t wanna talk about it.

am looking forward to basketball on monday :) and also, the possibility of a class outing at fish&co (yes, again. vanessa’s suggestion, not mine.) sometime next week, or the week after. am still working out the details but you guys try and keep your evenings free okay?

bored bored bored. i wish i had a purpose in life, and i wish i had an excuse to go out and not return home till 6am again.

freezing.

geesh, it feels almost like winter now, what with the cold drafts blowing in… or maybe it’s just my bad, bad cold. i was sneezing at a rate of like 5 sneezes per minute last night, and the aircon wasn’t even on because my brother’s sleeping in my parents’ room now that they’re in shanghai. the silly boy wants a bigger bed. he’s mad la. and when i woke up my nose was feeling about as clogged up as a badly choked washbasin, and my throat was as dry as the sahara (my favourite description of a sore throat, ha!) which really made me feel not like having tuition. but i still went anyway.

and help i think i’m a very boring tutor. but what else can i do, apart from making her read every word because the ratio of words she can read and understand to those that she can’t is like 1: 35748? at least i tried to make things easier by explaining the meaning of some words in chinese. but even so, my chinese vocabulary is sooo limited i didn’t know how to describe some words either. terrible me. and gosh their english textbook is pathetic now. in my opinion the PETS coursebook beats the book now hands-down. or maybe i’m just old-fashioned. gosh i’m already turning into an old-fashioned teacher with a generation gap with her students. hahaha.

i’m wondering if i blog too much. hmmm relative to other people, that’s probably a yes. but in my opinion i don’t really think so. it’s just become a sort of a ritual or habit to put down in electronic format the happenings of my day and any other random thoughts that seem to frequently plant themselves in my head, practically begging to be blogged. and yes i’ve said it many times but i do like reading my past entries. except for my earlier entries, and thank goodness my teenopendiary doesn’t exist anymore (except in a corner of my hard disk) because all the stuff there is probably just plain embarrassing. haha. so i guess blogging’s just a way to sort of sort out my memories, because my lousy brain can only remember some stuff, which it is very extremely selective about, which basically also means that i have no control over what i remember, and what i don’t. so if i forget your birthday or whatever, don’t blame me, blame my brain for not wanting to remember it. does that make sense?

and oh yes, one indicator that i blog too much is that 9 out of 10 conversations i start will elicit responses along the line of “yes i read your blog”. so i actually am depriving myself of conversation fodder by blogging out all the remotely interesting ideas my mad brain comes up with. but if i don’t blog them out, i won’t remember them. opportunity cost, i guess. i just have to slave-drive my brain to think of more conversation topics then. but ha i guess that means i can blabber on almost endlessly when i meet new people who haven’t yet read my blog.

which also makes me wonder why people actually plow through all the rubbish i write. which is a change from wondering if people actually read the all the drivel i write. or maybe everyone just reads the bits about the little and often boring occurrences in my life, judiciously dodging any paragraphs that have the indications of me being mad, angsty and nonsensical. yeah, that makes more sense.

or maybe my words just have some sort of hypnotising effect that makes people just want to read them. i wish. if it was like that then i should just go write a book and rake in some money. but nah. if i wrote a book it’ll probably only be good for putting people to sleep. maybe i really could write a book like that. read it if you want to fall asleep. and i can put a gimmicky slogan like, puts you to sleep in ten minutes or less, guaranteed!* and then have a tiny tiny footnote that goes “not for insomniacs or individuals with large amounts of caffeine in their bloodstream”. and that’s mad idea #4561. hmmm, i’m always all ideas and no talk. terrible.

and darn, brain has just ran out of blog-juice.

owww.

am feeling extremely uncomfortable now, thanks to what appears to be a bad bout of indigestion. or gastric pain. i don’t know. i just feel terrible, but i don’t want to tell my parents just before they fly off for shanghai. and i know it’ll just pass, anyway.

met maryam and her brother at orchard mrt, where we realised that we were actually on the same train again. haha we’re always so coincidental. we walked around wisma so i could hopefully meet maria and get my cushion of a birthday present for her. but in the end she was at wheelock so we just went to far east for lunch first. and guess who we saw there? aiping! hahaha. she joined us for lunch (in the sense that she watched us eat since she’d already eaten) since she was waiting for her friend anyway.

then we parted ways with aiping while we were walking towards paragon. i also met maria (finally) before catching up with maryam again at metro. where we spent a lot of time. haha. maryam tried on lots of stuff before settling on just two tops. i spent 91 bucks at dorothy perkins, getting a pair of very comfy cargo pants, two basic tees and a jersey top (only 9 bucks!). am definitely pleased with my buys. i really like the jersey top, though i think i look like crap when viewed from the side. but ah who cares la.

next we went to the “private” sale at isetan scotts, which was jam-packed with people. it was definitely worse than robinsons’. but at least the queue to pay moved really quickly. i think we only queued for like 15 minutes, as compared to like one hour at robinsons’. and but sales-wise both are about the same, i guess. i only wish i had to shop for work-clothes, because there were so much nice stuff, and most of them were oh so cheap. sales are dangerous. they make you want to buy lots of stuff, just because they’re cheap, and because you think that you might not get them so cheaply next time.

we trained down to plaza singapura where i finally got my peppermint mocha frappuccino, before starbucks stops selling it till christmas again next year. it’s not bad, though i think it could do with a bit more peppermint. haha. maryam and her brother had their dinner at kfc, and that was when the indigestion/gastric pain really start to hit me. i was already feeling uncomfortable while queueing at isetan, but by the time i was sitting down in kfc the pain had somehow radiated to the area of my diaphragm… not a nice feeling, really. but i think i’m okay now, thanks to the antacid i downed in kfc. hopefully.

anyway i had lots of fun today, with maryam and her brother. haha. and perhaps it was a good thing that i didn’t have my deep water workout today, or i might have just fallen asleep everywhere.

and oh yes as i mentioned to maryam earlier, this is really ironic but i’m missing school. school’s good cos everyone’s there, at one place. which makes it really easy to just go out after school. or play basketball. it’s now so difficult to gather like more than 5 people at once, due to all our conflicting schedules and everything. sigh. and yes, i miss doing homework. procrastination is only fun when you actually have work of some sort to do. and because i really feel kinda aimless, without something to focus on. at least i have the SATs to study for. i can’t believe i’m actually missing studying. life sure throws us lots of surprises eh.

yawn, i’m bored now.

makes me forget what i should have done

headaches are no longer recurring! yay. but now the stomachaches have decided to plague me… it’s gonna be the third time, now. whee.

no deep water workout tomorrow :( the pool’s closed, for reasons unknown to me. and i was really looking forward to a nice, exhausting workout. oh well. didn’t go swimming today either, because my nose was so terribly blocked up this morning. hmmm if i actually wake up in time tomorrow maybe i’ll go swimming before i meet maryam. maybe.

parents are going off to shanghai tomorrow night and won’t be back till the new year. it’s a pity i’m not a party animal or i would be able to stay out late. am craving a midnight movie. or karaoke. but i doubt anyone can make it out so late with me :( oh well. shall try and be a good daughter and not stay out too late. haha.

sigh, there aren’t many nice movies left. king kong doesn’t appeal to me, and there’s like an overload of chinese movies. am just waiting for memoirs of a geisha and brokeback mountain. and family stone had better still be showing in the cinema when me and nee try and watch it next week.

i guess i’m getting bored. better get a job soon, after all. let’s hope the trip down to international plaza will be a fruitful one.

and oh yes, i forgot to thank maria for her christmas present of a mogu cushion yesterday :) i still haven’t seen it yet, but thanks thanks thanks! i just hope you like what i got you too.

brother’s like a puddle of sour milk now cos i’ve hogged (technically i didn’t, considering that it’s mine) the computer all day. i shall be nice and go off now.

wintercoats.

discarded, left behind
paper cups and sour wine
candlewax, tablecloth
try to wash, it won’t come off
ticket stubs and movie scenes
dustin hoffman has gangrene
ferris wheel in the park
city lights after dark

well i’m goin’ home when i find the girl
makes me forget what i should have done
in winter coats
in winter coats
in winter coats
in winter
lives are fallin’ fast in line
the words make sense
but they don’t seem to rhyme

risin’ tide, ocean breeze
crashin’ waves, askin’ please
listen to the radio
singin’ with the songs you know
time passing, memory fades
forget about the plans we made
decisions wrap the coat up tight
we keep it safe from the light

but i’m goin’ home when i find the girl
makes me forget what i should have not
in winter coats
in winter coats
in winter coats
in winter
lives are fallin’ fast in line
the words make sense
but they don’t seem to rhyme

but i’m goin’ home where i’ll find the girl
that we won’t forget what we should have not
in winter coats
in winter coats
in winter coats
in winter
lives are fallin’ fast in line
our words make sense
but we don’t seem to rhyme
we don’t seem to rhyme
we don’t seem to rhyme
we don’t seem to rhyme
[better than ezra: wintercoats]

my favourite song from better than ezra’s b-side album, artifakt. i love how the first stanza’s only on the left speaker, and the way it’s sorta spoken, not sung. and i love the chorus. the part when the female background singer comes in, and the way kevin griffin’s vocals roll over the word “wintercoats” is amazing, cos he makes a normal word sound so good.

discarded, left behind.

gosh, i can’t believe i’m so tired from just one day of shopping. it probably was from lugging the giant SATs book i bought from maria. or maybe i just am too lousy for shopping, or something.

anyway tuition was okay. the first half an hour really just flew past, before time started to slow to a crawl. i don’t actually get why her mum got her tuition considering that she did quite well in her exams last year – 56/58 for english and 94/100 for maths. but then again, her english vocabulary still leaves a lot to be desired. i’m already wondering if i should spend more time with her on english, considering that her maths is pretty okay, provided that she doesn’t make careless mistakes. hmmm. and i have to figure out how to make things more interesting cos she gets sleepy somewhat easily. she doesn’t fall asleep, but she keeps yawning. haha.

met maria on the train. i forgot that today’s a public holiday, meaning that town was about as crowded as hell today. we walked around tangs for a bit before my growling stomach sent us to chippys at far east… haha. then we walked all the way to robinsons’, which was really packed because of their sales. and the queues were so bloody long. i just started queueing while she looked around for stuff to buy. i think we queued there for like… an hour or so? i guess that was what really tired me out.

then we went to times because maria also had vouchers for times. i bought a nice new (green!) organiser, because i think it’s good to write down when my tuition sessions are, or i might just get confused if i have too many tutees. i just hope i’ll use it consistently, considering that i have this awful tendency to just not use organisers, diaries and the like after a while. we just about went home after that, because we were so tired. especially me, i think.

and geesh. i don’t know why i keep doing this to myself. or if i am doing it to myself. see, i can’t tell. it’s happened so many times i really wonder if there’s anything wrong with me. you know, up there. or maybe it’s just PMS. post-menstrual syndrome, in this case. my moods have just gone the way of the pendulum again, and i’m quite incredibly feeling frustrated, upset and yet okay at the same time. don’t ask me how.

at least i’m not taking my frustration out on myself. not really. unless you count how i suddenly felt like i wanted to like go swim at least 20 laps everyday, from tomorrow. or hit the gym. or even go running. anything to make me feel so exhausted just so that i won’t be able to think.

see, that’s the problem with me. i think too damned much. sometimes i wish i could just leave my brain on standby, or even shut it down, but i can’t. and my hyperactive imagination just goes on overdrive and i do things seemingly without rhyme or reason. which makes things worse, which makes my imagination work even harder… mighty vicious cycle, isn’t it?

how do you know what’s normal, and what’s not? i really have no idea. is it normal to go into random bouts of mild depression for what you KNOW are small things that really shouldn’t matter? you know how bloody stupid it is but you just can’t seem to stop yourself, either.

and no, it’s not what was bothering me at certain points over the past year or so. at least, i don’t think so. it’s just me, my pathetic lack of self-esteem and my utter inability to not make a big deal over small things.

i was feeling really blah just now, and i guess blogging it all out just helps. somehow.

am just going to take a breather tomorrow, then decide what i should do with the rest of my lousy excuse of a life.

but hey, on the bright side i haven’t gotten a headache today. yet.

not a very.

merry christmas.

geesh. i sound like ebenezer scrooge.

but it’s hard to feel happy when your body’s still going schizo on you. the headaches that just refuse to go away, the nausea, and now the weird feeling in the regions of my stomach…

yes, that’s the cyber/hyperchondriac in me whining away again. my mum thinks i should see a doctor, but what could and would the doctor do, apart from prescribing me more medicine? and that’s not like it really is the problem, is it?

the opening up of the new relief teaching position at sembawang secondary has thrown me into yet another dilemma… i feel like i might want to give teaching a shot, but at the same time i don’t feel up to it. especially since it’s a whole semester. and of course, i’d have nothing to wear to work. if you know me and my wardrobe you know what i mean. haha.

and so i guess i’ll be sticking to tuition, and perhaps just another part-time job. i’m actually interested in promoting starhub services. i just have this feeling that i can sell broadband and cabletv services really well. but it’s just a feeling and things don’t always turn out the way you want in life.

i think i’m going a bit crazy. more mad dreams. of taking a long bus ride with the 3404 people, and annoying everyone else on the bus cos we were so noisy. a funny bus with seats for four people. us being unable to decide on where to go. vanessa wanting to go to “moving road” (wherever or whatever that was), dwayne and jasper wanting to go to some temple, mark wanting to go to japan. or france. i can’t remember which. us ending up ice-skating over frozen drains in some hdb estate… which really is impossible here. haha. and there was the rain which gave me yellow scabs that fell off in minutes… and then i woke up. feeling highly disturbed, of course. fortunately it was just a dream… but at the same time. it’s too bad that it was just a dream, eh.

at least there’s shopping to look forward to. with maria after tuition tomorrow, then with maryam after the deep water workout on wednesday. and hopefully there’ll be post-christmas sales! it’s funny how my wardrobe is practically bursting at its seams but i still think i don’t have enough clothes. and there’s how i always end up wearing the same stuff cos i play favourites with my clothes. haha.

blah. i missed watching pride and prejudice. i can’t believe the run’s already ended, while chicken little’s still happily screening. which i do want to watch, actually. but i think everyone’s already watched it. or doesn’t want to watch it. was kinda supposed to watch the family stone with gayle but now she’s going with her mum. any takers? i’m broke, but also very bored, so…

and sigh. it’s a pity that i had to turn down denise’s invitation of mahjong. especially since my hands are feeling itchy now, and the hongkong mahjong game i have just doesn’t cut it. and oh yes i might come into a real, non-mini mahjong set soon. must remind my mum to see if my maternal grandma can spare a set. which means possible mahjong sessions at my place soon. provided that i can find enough kakis, that is. everyone’s busy, with work or otherwise. and i really should stop being so free too. haha.

and well, it’s a little too late, but i still hope everyone had a most merry christmas :)