the answer that could never be found

i hate to blog so much, but i’m just annoyed. by my bloody headache, combined with insomnia. and i bet that’s what gave me the headache in the first place, bloody lack of sleep.

it’s so nonsense. i sleep at 5am to catch the world cup and i’m still perfectly okay. i can’t sleep for hours due to some malfunction in the part of my brain that says “sleep” and i get a headache??? that doesn’t make sense.

maybe i should take it as a hint to not watch the germany-argentina match. or poor argentina’ll be knocked out by germany. come to think of it, i never really watched any of the argentina matches live, which might explain why they’ve survived so far… but ah heck it. am not going to let paranoia get in my way of catching a good soccer match.

i just wish this stupid headache would go away. i managed to get about an hour’s nap just now, which i’d thought had gotten rid of the headache, but after washing my face and walking around it became apparent that it’s still stubbornly hanging in there. it’s not an excruciating, omg-i-wanna-die kinda migraine pain, but it’s so bloody ANNOYING. i’m not feeling 100% and i can’t do anything about it, because even if i were to miss the germany-argentina match i wouldn’t be able to fall asleep, thanks to my 1-hour nap and newly acquired insomnia. grrr.

argh i don’t care, i’m going to take more ponstan. i don’t want to watch a match with a headache. stupid thing.

maybe it’s just me.

didn’t go for badminton after all, because maryam pleaded a no-show in the morning, on account of feeling unwell. there went any reason for me to get out of bed and exercise, so i just went back to sleep.

but to be fair to myself, i had a particularly bad bout of insomnia last night. i was in bed at an early 1am, but i found myself still awake at 2am. and 3am. and maybe i fell asleep for a while because it suddenly jumped to 5am, but i didn’t feel like i’d slept at all. 6am then came and went, followed by 7am… then i guess i managed to drift off to sleep again, before waking up again at 8am and trying in vain to go back to sleep. i guess it can’t really be counted as insomnia if i managed to sleep a bit, but not being able to fall asleep for hours is insomnia to me. it’s really frustrating and i can only thank goodness that i’m not working or schooling now, or i’ll start panicking about how i can’t fall asleep when i need to. but of course the worst possible time to have these spells of insomnia would be just before a test or exam. which unfortunately has happened before. i just hope the insomnia doesn’t come back, i need my sleep to catch the 3am brazil-france match tomorrow night…

and while all my willpower to exercise had evaporated, at least i managed to drag myself out of the house to have lunch, book my final practical test and a few driving lessons, and have my hair cut. i had my hair cut at twister by monsoon, which was having an opening promotion. only 20 bucks for a cut by a senior stylist (though suspiciously enough ALL the stylists were senior ones. hmmm.) and i guess it was not bad. the guy made my hair look very different, which at first seemed a bit too much, but was okay after all. except that back at home, i don’t know how to style it in the way he did. maybe i should have gotten the hair wax that cost 43 bucks… haha. but it’s just ridiculous to buy hair wax that costs more than your haircut, right?

and and and. they have a 49% off promotion for highlights! or any other hair colour. which i guess will work out to be about 30 or so bucks for my short hair. am so very tempted now. i shall see whether i can cajole my mum into partially sponsoring me, and make my decision based on that.

and as a bonus, i managed to find jeffery deaver’s coffin dancer in hougang library! which will definitely keep me occupied when i’m waiting for the 3am match after the 11pm one… if i’m not watching it with the guys, that is. i haven’t heard again from mark, and to be honest i’m not keen about being the only girl there, because the guys will very inevitably lapse into conversations about NS and the neverending acronyms spawned from it… well, i’ll see.

maybe it’s just me
but you seem finally happy
i don’t think i’ve seen your face just glow like a neon sign
and maybe we should be
alone for ever after
cos even though the nights are long
at least i’ll make it another day

cos i can’t live if you’re not happy
i can’t live if you cry
but i can live without you if it makes you smile

and maybe things got weird
after all that went down
the things were oh so clear
that i could never get this right
so tell me what your plans are
tell me what you’re doing
the only thing i’ll hold against me
is a picture of you tonight

cos i can’t live if you’re not happy
i can’t live if you cry
but i can live without you if it makes you smile
and i can’t wait to see you rising
and i can’t wait for you to shine
but i can wait for you if all you need is

time, for you to think things over
time, to talk the drama down
it’s not a contest of who’ll try harder
or who’ll cross the finish line

and i can’t live if you’re not happy
i can’t live if you cry
but i can live without you if it makes you smile
and i can’t wait to see you rising
and i can’t wait for you to shine
but i can wait for you if all you need is time
[butch walker: maybe it's just me]

butch walker’s album is coming out soon! can’t wait for it.

can’t let it go.

god, i’m BORED. and it doesn’t help that blogger was lagging like nobody’s business.

am bored because i don’t want to read (though i’m considering rereading the devil wears prada in view of upcoming movie and harry potter and the half-blook prince to try and pry out subtle hints of harry/hermione even though the evil bitch JKR has said it’s not going to be harry/hermione.) or watch anything (i have lots of tv episodes, tvb dramas and anime but i just don’t feel like them, bah.) or play any random mindless game.

bah, it really sucks when i’m bored like that. it seems like nothing can keep me occupied for more than a few seconds… blogging aside, that is.

and my slacker diet plan was completely ruined by the time evening rolled round, because i had to hurriedly eat some biscuits just before dinner. which was because my hands were doing its shaking thing and i figured that i was low on blood sugar and had to get some energy into my system… BAH.

at least i’m finally getting some exercise tomorrow. am playing badminton and possibly hitting the gym with maryam tomorrow. and she’s coming over so i have no too-lazy-to-get-out excuses. and actually, i’d really appreciate it if people asked me out to exercise, cos that’s a good way to solve my lazy-ass attitude. and yes i’d even go for running, though don’t blame me if i don’t want to do it after like five minutes. but damn, just remembered that i have that doctor’s appointment on tuesday and i might have the minor operation, which means i might be unable to get out of the house for a while. damnit.

i wish tomorrow would hurry up and come because i really need to get rid of all this excess energy that has somehow built up in me. which sounds funny coming from me, considering how lazy i am. i somehow even managed to sleep all the way to 1pm today, despite sleeping at the relatively early time of 2am last night.

okay, at least it’s nearly midnight now. after being a night owl for years sleeping any time before midnight when i’m not sick just feels weird.
i want to say i don’t care, but deep down i know it’s not true. damn.
you said you’d light a candle
and you’d say a prayer for me
i feel the light has dimmed and gone
half the world is begging
while the other half steals
why is everything so wrong?

some days i can’t believe
others i’m on my knees
trying to be heard

i was your anger
and you were my fear
now that it’s over
of course it’s so clear
but you were no angel
and i was no sin
somehow i can’t let it go
i can’t let it go

and half the world is sleeping
while the other half dreams
you close your eyes
and then you’re gone
and maybe my intentions
have been misunderstood
i know you feel so beautifully wronged

some days i can’t believe
others i’m on my knees
hoping i belong

i was your anger
and you were my fear
now that it’s over
of course it’s so clear
but you were no angel
and i was no sin
somehow i can’t let it go
i can’t let it go

and laughter is my soul’s release
but we’re not smiling anymore
can’t we try to win this peace
‘cos we’re never gonna win
never gonna win this war

i was your anger
and you were my fear
now that it’s over
of course it’s so clear
but you were no angel
and i was no sin
somehow i can’t let it go
i can’t let it go
[the goo goo dolls: can't let it go]

you can never be too

A financial windfall lands in your lap due to a close relative or a surprising family situation. Take advantage of this opportunity, but beware — there are those who might be too interested in this money.

i just had to post this after reading my horoscope in life!, because this is one of the rare moments where my horoscope makes like nearly 100% sense. except that it’s a little late, cos it happened yesterday. my aunt (close relative) gives me money (financial windfall) and i did have someone who was “too interested in this money” – yy trying to sell me cookies… just kidding, of course!

as a semi-believer in horoscopes i shouldn’t be finding it funny that my horoscope’s true, but it just is! haha. but that’s just the way it is, isn’t it? we make a big deal about horoscopes and things like that coming true, but we just shut up when it’s not true… or at least that’s what i do.

am currently on a diet of sorts. it’s perfect for lazy slackers like me, because all i have to do is wake up so late that i don’t have breakfast. and one less meal means less calories. lower calorie intake means my body will feast on my fatty reserves if it requires energy that i’m not taking in. therefore i’ll lose weight… IF i exercise. which i’m not really doing, except for playing with my powerball in the evening. i really do want to exercise, but the thing about me is that i become grossly lazy and reluctant to exercise if it involves anything repetitive. i need something more spontaneous and fun to inspire my lazy self to start moving. hmmm, some badminton, maybe? i’d love basketball but there’s no one to play with. sigh.

i know it’s all a matter of willpower, but why am i so incurably lazy??? it doesn’t take much to change into a dri-fit shirt and shorts and go down to the stadium for a short jog or something, but somehow i just can’t drag myself out to do it. bah. and it’s as if my lousy body is sensing that i might drag myself down after all, it just started a coughing fit and is giving me the first stomachache of the day. is it the mind, body or both? geesh.

and man, i had stupid and weird dreams again. like some CHINESE test i had to take, which involved a lot of writing and was supposedly very easy but in my dream i was worrying over whether i should study because i hadn’t touched chinese for a long time and god knows whether i can actually still write any chinese at all. as i was inwardly panicking i suddenly realised that it was a dream, and took the easy way out – i woke up. hahaha.

but my brain hadn’t had enough fun with me, so it decided to make me go on some kinda suicidal mission to blow up some building and kill some evil warlord (where the hell my brain got all these, i don’t know) and i knew it was a suicidal mission so the crux of my dream actually was about me trying to write important letters to my loved ones and the stupid leader of my mission was hurrying me or something. and once again i kind of realised that it was only a bloody dream again, and woke up. whew.

and because i woke up and slept again, i had a few other weird dreams i can’t really remember. like me and my sister being on the run from the police and trying to buy food at a supermarket without being caught. gah. i guess that’s what happens when i sleep too much…

and my new album of the moment is the goo goo dolls’ let love in! am wondering if i should splurge and actually get the album, along with snow patrol’s eyes open, since i think they’re relatively common and therefore will not cost like 30, 40 bucks an album. but it feels like a sort of waste of money to buy albums i already have, and when i could use the money to get stuff i don’t have. like more clothes (threadless just printed ten tees, HELP!) and more slippers. crap, just found out about a havaianas spree… only 22 bucks a pair! thank goodness it’s not the design i’m hankering over, or i might just end up buying two pairs “because they’re cheap”. shit i realise that i can be a very scary shopaholic sometimes. moral of the story, if i don’t have money then i can’t spend it… so either way i have to spend money, right? hmmm. okay i’m starting to talk nonsense so i’d better shut up.

i badly need a haircut but i’m very reluctant about going to have it cut because i’m currently at the stage where i feel like highlighting my hair. i managed to get through that at the beginning of the year, but now it’s back with a vengeance. and if i go to a hair salon with enough money, i’m afraid that i may just decide to have my hair highlighted. which i really feel like doing, except that i keep wanting to dye it weird colours. like blue or green. and i’m afraid that my hair will end up looking like crap. help. aiping suggests that since i’m so worried i shouldn’t dye it. but i want to :( someone help me get past this want-to-highlight-hair stage please.

okay indecisiveness about buying stuff and highlighting hair aside, we’re finally getting wireless internet at home! which means i can use my laptop around the house when my brother manages to force me off my desktop. and come july 1, we’ll have twice the amount of bandwidth since starhub is doubling the amount on the maxonline 2000 plans. too bad i’ll only enjoy it for about a month or so, then i’ll be stuck with the university internet when i move to the hostel. and i have this feeling that it’s not going to be bittorrent-friendly… bah. oh well, if worse comes to worst i’ll queue up a whole lot of files to download whenever i’m back at home, and transfer it to my laptop. nothing’s going to stop the pirate in me. harharhar.

and i guess that’s enough nonsense from me.

let love in.

whee. am very pleased because i no longer have the dilemma of whether i should go for a part-time job to boost my very depleted savings account. my aunt has solved that problem for me with her going-to-uni angpow for me.

and so i basically got paid 150 bucks an hour to have high tea at the swissotel’s equinox restaurant with my third aunt, my fifth aunt and her son ruijie. man, it’s times like these when i’m really glad that i have a DINK (double income, no kids) aunt with seemingly too much money to spend. and yes i’m ridiculously happy because 1) i’m a mercenary person and 2) that means my aunt practically paid for my timbuk2 and zeroshock sleeve, with enough left over for me to get a threadless tee or two, and yet another pair of slippers. yayyy. i never knew going to uni could be so profitable. three cheers for my indulgent grandma and aunt! :D

the food at equinox was so-so, but the view from the 70th storey was quite breath-taking. if the view of dozens of buildings, from the esplanade to all the various bank buildings was so nice in the day, i can only imagine what it would be like at night. damn i need to be really rich in the future so i can dine there at night someday.

and oops, my haywire predictions of a portugal-brazil final turned out to be impossible, because i forgot about the fixture bracket. and so, taking the no-match-will-go-my-way factor into consideration, it’ll end up an italy-portugal final, and italy will win because i prefer portugal to italy. and i doubt it’ll really happen (am still secretly hoping for an argentina-brazil or god forbid, argentina-england final) but ha. i think it’s nonsensically fun to think of it, anyway.

and bah, no world cup matches for a while. i’ll have to find something else to provide me with entertainment…

you wait,
wanting this world to let you in
and you stand there, a frozen light
in dark and empty streets
and you smile,
hiding behind a god-given face
and i know you’re so much more
everything they ignore
is all that i need to see

and you’re the only one i ever believed in
the answer that could never be found
the moment you decided to let love in
and now i’m banging on the door of an angel
the end of fear is where we begin
the moment we decided to let love in

i wish
wishing for you to find your way
and i’ll hold on for all you need
that’s all we need to say
and i’ll take my chances while
you take your time with
this game you play
but i can’t control your soul
you need to let me know
you’re leaving or you’re gonna stay

and you’re the only one i ever believed in
the answer that could never be found
the moment you decided to let love in
and now i’m banging on the door of an angel
the end of fear is where we begin
the moment we decided to let love in

there’s nothing we can do about
the things we have to do without
the only way to feel again
is let love in

there’s nothing we can do about
the things we have to live without
the only way to see again
is let love in

and you’re the only one i ever believed in
the answer that could never be found
the moment you decided to let love in
and now i’m banging on the door of an angel
the end of fear is where we begin
the moment we decided to let love in
the moment we decided to let love in
the moment we decided to let love in
[the goo goo dolls: let love in]

it’s beginning to get to me.

ARGH!!!

and i have cursed yet another team by supporting them. damn. i should cease supporting the teams i really like or they’ll get kicked out :( and start supporting the teams i don’t like so you know, they won’t win. or something.

BOO. first holland and now spain. which doesn’t really explain why england is still hanging on, actually. especially since i’ve supported them for the longest time… maybe it’s because i’m only half-heartedly supporting them due to their boring and lacklustre performances thus far. imagine the irony of them being still in the competition because they’re sucky and i’m not supporting them… haha.

and ghana could be considered the third team that i’ve supported, and fallen… sorta. i started out placing my money (not that i really bet on it) on brazil but just naturally lapsed into supporting the underdog… and poor ghana, really. they were really fighting for it and in my opinion, were just plain unlucky. someone had a shot that was almost destined for the net, if not for dida’s legs being at the wrong (right?) place at the wrong time… they tried again and again but the ball just refused to get into the net, while it took like… one (slightly offside) try from brazil to shatter ghanaian hopes. i guess that’s a mark of a good team, too – luck. lots of it. though yes i’d have to give brazil credit for their nicely-crafted third goal.

and in view of almost all the world cup matches not going my way, the quarter-finals are going to end up like this:
germany beats argentina, portugal thumps yet another one over england, italy will win ukraine (because i’m supporting neither, this isn’t a definite) and brazil will beat france in their rematch.
portugal will go on to beat germany because i’d be supporting germany, and brazil will beat italy just because i don’t really want brazil to win. ehhh… so it’ll end up a portugal-brazil final??? hahaha. ironically and hilariously enough, vanessa’s ideal scenario is like my worst world cup nightmare?

and oh, portugal will win because i still prefer brazil to them. beating england twice and holland is unforgivable, and with every single world cup thing not going my way, the beat-england-and-you’ll-lose curse that proved to be portugal’s downfall in euro 2004 won’t be be effective, this time.

and yes i’m being totally nonsensical but it’s just fun. and i’m just everlastingly grateful that i don’t bet on soccer. or i’ll be in a total dilemma as to whether i should bet with my heart or head (aka bet opposite of what i really want).

and the book of answers has quite sadly failed this time. i’d asked it if spain was going to win, and it’d said “definitely”. i guess it missed out a “NOT” at the end. i also asked if england was ever going to put on a good performance in this world cup, and the answer was “better to wait”. hmmm.

so i guess the book of answers getting the england-sweden draw right, and my getting into eusoff was just a coincidence, then? but you know, given that it’s gotten a few crucial questions right i’m still mostly believing in my little yellow book of answers. mostly for fun, but also to settle my indecisiveness. hehe.

and yes, i’d somehow managed to squeeze my way into eusoff hall. i’m really relieved and can’t really believe it, so i’ve resorted to logging in and checking my acceptance quite a few times. i just hope i’ll be getting a single room (i will definitely pity whoever has to be my roommate) and that i’ll be around people i know. but if all else fails i suppose i could always make new friends… though i’ve kinda forgotten how. maybe i should consider joining the camp…

and i guess it’s time to sleep, just when the school-going members of my family are about to awake, in about an hour. or less. now, that’s one aspect of school i definitely don’t miss. but i definitely miss the rest of it :(

i want something
that’s purer than the water
like we were

it’s not there now
ineloquence and anger
are all we have

like saturn’s rings
an icy loop around me
too hard to hold

lash out first
at all the things we don’t like
or understand

and it’s beginning to get to me
that i know more of the stars and sea
than i do of what’s in your head
barely touching in our cold bed

are you beginning to get my point?
they’re always fighting with aching joints
it’s doing nothing but tire us out
no one knows what’s this fight’s about

the answer phone
the lonely sound of your voice
frozen in time

i only need
the compass that you gave me
to guide me on

and it’s beginning to get to me
that i know more of the stars and sea
than i do of what’s in your head
barely touching in our cold bed

are you beginning to get my point?
they’re always fighting with aching joints
it’s doing nothing but tire us out
no one knows what’s this fight’s about

it’s so thrilling but also wrong
don’t have to prove that you are so strong
cos i can carry you on my back
after our enemies attack

i tried to tell you before i left
but i was screaming under my breath
you are the only thing that makes sense
just ignore all this present tense

we need to feel breathless with love
and not collapse under its weight
i’m gasping for the air to fill
my lungs with everything i’ve lost

we need to feel breathless with love
and not collapse under its weight
i’m gasping for the air to fill
my lungs with everything i’ve lost
[snow patrol: it's beginning to get to me]

fell in love with this song on my second or third listen. snow patrol’s eyes open is my album of the moment now :)

hands open.

i’m a bit slow, but youtube’s been most entertaining for me. found out about the death note and prince of tennis live action movies while i was looking around for anime mtvs. and i’m mighty excited about both of them. the death note movie promises to be rather exciting, with warner brothers producing it and the guy from battle royale acting in it is a nice surprise. the prince of tennis movie is quite expectedly cheesy and the guy portraying ryoma doesn’t have the mada mada dane air but there seems to be a lot of ryoma-tezuka love and the guy acting as tezuka’s pretty hot, so i can’t wait for it, either. hehe.

and youtube turned out to be a good source of mtvs from my favourite alternative artists, too. i got to see the hanging by a moment mtv, which i’ve never seen before, and hands open by snow patrol, which hasn’t appeared on mtv yet. and there’re lots of live performance videos by lifehouse, better than ezra and butch walker to keep me occupied… yay.

and there’re lots of sports videos too. and i quite expectedly made a beeline for the alan smith ones… with all his gorgeous goals (the stunning volley against norwich being my favourite), crunching tackles and shirt-stripping… haha. smithy just rocks and i love him :D i can’t wait for him to recover and get back into action so i can drool over him. i don’t know why i’m so nuts over him but to me he’s just hawtness defined. hoho.

the england-ecuador match was sadly quite the bore, and they only managed to scrape through by virtue of a very nice beckham free kick. it’s really sad but the average adjective of england matches at the moment is just BORING. and if they keep up their tediously boring and one-dimensional play they might not even get through a deco-less portugal. which would really just be quite embarrassing. but i can’t bear the thought of england losing to portugal again, and i can only hope that the english players harbour similar sentiments. especially rooney, maybe. considering that the only times he’s ever been injured were thanks to portuguese players. can’t remember who the first culprit was but ricardo carvalho and his awful balding hair (sorry, just have a thing against ugly balding players like carvalho and robben) was the second culprit. if rooney gets injured again he should consider never playing near portugese players… cristiano ronaldo excepted, maybe. and this time i’m hoping that he either remains injured and unable to play against england, or that he remains his selfish, showy self and keeps portugal from scoring…

the holland-portugal game was good and bad at the same time. good because it was a lot more exciting, bad because it was marred by a lousy referee and a really bad show of sportsmanship (or lack thereof). i was initially undecided as to which team to support, but eventually decided to throw my support behind the dutch since they had sneijder, van persie and later, van der vaart, while portugal only had cristiano ronaldo and maybe deco for players i like. and if this match is any indication of whether matches will go the way i want them, then maybe i should stop supporting england and argentina because it just won’t go my way. after costinha got sent off just before half-time i thought, surely the dutch would come back with an equaliser. but it never came, because boulahrouz got dismissed. when portugal went without deco i thought okay, SURELY this time they would get a goal? but nooo, van bronckhorst had to get himself dismissed. sigh. seeing the dutch team like that makes me reluctant to support any team lest they end up like the dutch… oh well, i’ll see.

and mmm the barbecue at my cousin’s condo was good. satay is always good at a bbq, the prawns were fresh and i just loved the grilled fish wrapped in aluminium. but being the clumsy oaf i am, i managed to get myself cut by a prawn. yes, a prawn… and it’s just like grandmas and aunts to make a big fuss out of it, insisting that i squeeze all the blood out and that i apply some ointment on it, because the prawn has poison, or something. haha. and no, i’m not poisoned at the moment, though i do have a scar to show for my clumsiness.

am bored to tears at home but i’m also kind of reluctant to go back to driving. i’m just sick of it, for some reason. but like it or not i have to hurry up and book my final test or it’ll be right smack in the middle of uni when i take it… blah. but as much as i don’t like driving now, i can’t quit or that’s lots of money down the drain… and speaking of which i need to renew my provisional driving license or i won’t be able to do any practical lessons… bah. driving is such a bother, now.

and fortunately there’s no really interesting 3am world cup match tonight so that hopefully means that i’ll get up a bit earlier and haul my lazy ass out for some exercise… hopefully. i have absolutely no desire to regain the weight i managed to lose after that bad bout of flu, which i guess was a blessing in disguise since it’s kicked off my desire to lose weight.

and in comparison to myself a year ago, i guess i’m older. and thinking less. is that a good or a bad thing? beats me.

it’s hard to argue when
you won’t stop making sense
but my tongue still misbehaves
and it keeps digging my own grave with my

hands open
and my eyes open
i just keep hoping
that your heart opens

why would i sabotage
the best thing that i have
well it makes it easier to know
exactly what i want with my

hands open
and my eyes open
i just keep hoping
that your heart opens

it’s not as easy as willing it all to be right
gotta be more than hoping it’s right
i wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it
collapse into me, tired with joy
[snow patrol: hands open]

if someone said three years from now

and there’s nothing better (or worse) than a nice sleepy morning wrapped up in warm blankets to make me forget all about wanting to run, swim and exercise, is there? i was contemplating going for a jog or something today morning, but it was just so delightfully comfortable (and easier) to just pull the blankets up and sleep some more, so i let myself… haven’t felt like that in a while, anyway.

am kinda wondering if i should go for the arts camp. am reluctant to do so because i think 5 days is a bit too long, plus i don’t know if i’ll recover from my cough in time. judging from all my other coughs these year, it seems unlikely. but i also want to go cos i’ll be staying in eusoff if i go, and i guess it’ll be a good headstart on friends and seniors in fass. but then again i’m really not a camp person, and i guess i shouldn’t be running around doing stuff when i’m not fully recovered.

and sadly for the czech republic, they’ve been booted out of the world cup by ghana. i say good for ghana since it’s representing africa and is a sort-of underdog, but boo for them too cos i don’t like essien. my mum’s devastated cos she’s a huge fan of the czechs. the team that ran the ea fifa world cup simulation programme thing must be embarrassed now, considering that it predicted a 2-1 win for the czechs over the brazilians. life is just way too unpredictable for a computer or programme to calculate, really.

brazil’s looking good again with their 4-1 drubbing of japan. and ronaldo’s finally scored, not once but twice. not bad. though i guess that’s not-so-good news for the younger strikers like fred and robinho. but i don’t think they really care either, as long as their country’s scoring and winning, i suppose.

i’m always a sucker for younger players, really. when i play football manager i rarely buy players over the age of 25. i’m terribly biased. i like to buy young players with lots of potential, train them up and my intention would always be to sell them. but in the end i always can’t bear to. they’re either just too good or i just like their names. haha. i’m so predictable. i always buy javier mascherano and carlos tevez (and because you don’t really have to see their faces in the game, it doesn’t matter if they’re neanderthal-ugly) and wesley sneijder. mascherano’s a great defensive midfielder and tevez scores bucketloads of goals for me, like at least 50 a season. and sneijder rocks cos of his free kicks and long shots. and alan smith rocks in the game too, they gave him somewhat higher stats than he really has, not that i’m complaining, hehe.

am very addicted to pink’s who knew at the moment. i was quite surprised to find that it’s the second song released from the i’m not dead album and to find it playing on mtv. i don’t really know why, but i just like it a lot. which is rare considering that i seldom go nuts over female vocalists. i kind of like mtv now cos it’s just happening to play some of my current songs of the moment. like snow patrol’s you’re all i have, keane’s is it any wonder?, red hot chili peppers’ dani california and of course pink’s who knew. but the one song i can’t stand playing on mtv is ronan keating’s iris. you know, the one that goes “and i don’t want the world to see me / cos i don’t think that they’ll understand / when everything’s made to be broken / i just want you to know who i am”? i don’t really have anything against ronan keating but he just makes that song sound weird. in my opinion the goo goo dolls version is a lot better, and is just such a harry/hermone song. mmm.

and maybe if i say it to myself enough times, i’ll start to believe it.

if someone said three years from now
you’d be long gone
i’d stand up and punch them out
i know better, cos you said forever
and ever
who knew

when someone said count your blessings now
for they’re long gone
i guess i just didn’t know how
i was all wrong
they knew better
still you said forever
and ever
who knew.

when you want to run but can’t.

am feeling irritated now because for the first time in a very very long time i want to haul my lazy ass out for some very overdue exercise but i can’t because i have clots of phelgm clogging up my airways and i can’t cough them out.

and i actually want to RUN. yeah you heard me right. run, as in move my feet faster than my usual lazy shuffle. and i want to run until i can’t. till i really can’t. till it hurts to draw a breath, until i can feel it. the pain i’ve always, ironically, ran away from. because i’ve told myself that i can’t, that i was never meant to run, that there are other forms of exercises i can do without hurting. fucking excuses, all of them. i’ve just been afraid of running.

oh, i like to think that i’m resolute, strong-willed and determined. that as long as i put my mind to it i can do it. utter crap. truth is, i think, no, i know i’m weak. i give up too easily, i whine and complain too much, i know i’m crappy and refuse to change. i can never sustain an interest in anything and the one thing i feel like i can keep up forever is possibly killing me right now.

am not going on anymore because i know how this is going to turn out and i don’t want that.

and after not swimming for a long time, i want to swim again, too. maybe it’s rereading my blog and letting the enthusiasm from my past self infect me. or maybe it’s me craving the solitude and peace swimming gives me. and while i’ll risk running with my cough, i’m not going to say the same for swimming, especially since i haven’t gone for a long time. bloody cough.

tvb dramas are my sustenance now. am watching a hilarious one called war of the in-laws, which involves great acting cos i’ve never really seen two of the main actresses act in comedies before. and the best part is that it manages to occupy 99% of my brain. everything else i do only seems to take up like 5%, like they’re just afterthoughts or background processes. and since i can’t exactly go out and get the exercise i’m suddenly craving, i guess i can make do with the tvb dramas for now.
ARGH. IT’S PISSING ME OFF AND I DON’T KNOW WHY.
i know why they’re coming and i don’t. i want to stop them but i can’t. they just keep coming and i can’t stop thinking. i don’t want to trust my skewed intuition but everything seems to be screaming at me that it is what i think it is.
IT ISN’T. STOP BLOODY THINKING THAT IT IS.
IT IS NOT.

is it any wonder?

maybe i’m speaking too soon, but i doubt it. but in any case… i guess today would ordinarily count as a good day. almost perfect, even. almost.

well first up would be a hearty congratulations to ms ng (even if she doesn’t read my blog, as she claims) on her delivering a healthy baby daughter named samantha! i can’t wait for the full-month celebration so i can see how her baby looks like.

the second bright spot of the day was the crowning of the miami heat as the 2006 nba champions. i feared the worst after the first two games and three quarters, but the heat and dwyane wade just managed to find it within themselves to turn not just the game, but the entire series around to win four in a row after two rather large losses in dallas. my heart nearly stopped this morning when the mavs got off to a great start, to the point that they were leading by 14, and dwyane wade wasn’t scoring… yet. then dwyane wade got fired up, along with the rest of the miami role players like haslem, walker and especially mourning, and the rest is nba finals history. am mighty glad to see them win, considering that most sport teams i support seldom win and i always have a sneaking suspicion that i might be jinxing them… am glad that it’s not the case, this time.

and i’m typing this on my hp desktop, which means it’s back in action. and it was as i’d suspected – my graphics card had gone wonky on me and a new one has solved the problem. whew. i just hope it doesn’t ever break down again, i doubt my mum will be happy about having to repair it so many times.

and on a very bright note, i’m also feeling a lot better now. my body aches have gone from a scale of 11 out of 10 to a very bearable 2. i no longer function as a (severely malfunctioning) reverse thermostat and need to drag around a blanket or jacket. i’m not dreaming nonsensical dreams and am no longer killing off trees. and one of the only good things about being down with the flu is that i lost my appetite for anything that’s not soupy, and have lost a bit of weight. ha. on the other hand i did wake up with odd aches. like the one at my (imaginary) abs, like i’d just did a few hundred situps. odd. and i suspect that my cough will be in for the long haul. drats.

and oh, it might just be a coincidence but my book of answers has proven to be almost uncannily true again. i asked it last night – would england win their next match? it said “don’t bet on it” and sure enough, when i woke up and checked the result, england had drew with sweden! whoa. it wasn’t just a “correct” answer, but it was also a strangely appropriate one, in the betting sense. interesting. am going to keep track of all the questions and answers in the long run, and see if it’s just coincidence, or really clairyovance. i am just such a sucker for things like these.

and unfortunately (or fortunately, maybe) england’s now without owen. and as big of a fan of england i am, unless they really step up their performance i can’t really see them winning the world cup… not this time. sigh. germany’s playing good ball now, as is spain. well, there’s still a long way to go (if england doesn’t get booted out by ecuador in the next round, that is. which would just be humiliating) so we’ll see.

and for the first time in a long time, i can feel confusion creeping into my consciousness again. for one i can’t even tell if it’s just my imagination, or if it’s really intuition. i don’t know what to think and i don’t know what i want. i want to say and do a hundred and one things, and i don’t. i’ve always thought i’ve just matured ever so slightly over these few months, but now it just seems that maybe i’ve just taken things for granted. i’m just about to start saying that i hate myself, but no, i’m over that. i’m not blaming anyone else or the rest of the world for anything, but i’m not going to let myself believe that it’s completely my fault, either. i haven’t been like that for some time so i don’t know how long it’ll last, but i know for sure i’ll get out of it. if it’s not what i think, well and good. if it is, or if it’s never been what i thought… oh well. it’ll hurt but i’ll live. i prefer to be positive about things i really want, so i’ll try to be upbeat for now, and assume the best. try.

i always thought that i knew
i’d always have the right to
be living in the kingdom of the good and true
it’s so long, now i think i was wrong
and you were laughing along
and now i look a fool for thinking you were on
my side

is it any wonder i’m tired?
is it any wonder that i feel uptight?
is it any wonder i don’t know what’s right?

sometimes it’s hard to know where i stand,
it’s hard to know where i am,
well maybe it’s a puzzle i don’t understand.
sometimes i get the feeling that i’m
stranded in the wrong time
where love is just a lyric in a children’s rhyme

is it any wonder i’m tired?
is it any wonder that i feel uptight?
is it any wonder i don’t know what’s right?
oh, these days, after all the misery made,
is it any wonder that i feel afraid?
is it any wonder that i feel betrayed?
[keane: is it any wonder]