tagged, or your chance to know me better

was tagged by vanessa and i’m still entitled to slack today, so here goes.

EACH PLAYER OF THIS GAME STARTS OFF WITH 10 WEIRD THINGS, HABITS, OR LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT ONESELF. PEOPLE WHO GET TAGGED MUST WRITE IN THEIR BLOG 10 WEIRD THINGS, HABITS, OR FACTS, AS WELL AS STATE THIS RULE CLEARLY. AT THE END, YOU MUST CHOOSE SIX PEOPLE TO BE TAGGED AND LIST THEIR NAMES. NO TAG-BACKS!

1.
i wear a watch all the time, except for when i’m showering or training.

2.
i sometimes read my journal to make myself sleepy.

3.
i can’t help thinking that most, if not all, of my grades are what they are purely because of luck.

4.
i think my imagination is my best quality, but also my worst flaw.

5.
as impossible as it sounds, i was both a very stupid and smart kid.

6.
looking back on my harry/hermione fanfic, “the game of love”, i cringe at the immaturity of my writing and wonder how it managed to gather over 200 reviews.

7.
in primary one, i nearly flunked a maths test because i thought the teacher said “write the wrong answer down instead of the correct one” for the mcq portion. now you know what i meant by stupid.

8.
i have never been on a real rollercoaster.

9.
once, i called a donation hotline a few times because i thought the radio station would donate the money if i called. turns out that i was wrong.

10.
i am very fearful of dying suddenly, because there are things i want to say and do that i still haven’t. and ironically enough “live life to the fullest” isn’t one of my mottos in life.

I tag:
maryam
yy
denise
michelle
xiaoxuan
whoever wants to do this

my world’s upside down and i wouldn’t change a thing

oh yipee, it’s another good premiership weekend for us :D last week was good because although we drew with middlesbrough, so did chelsea with newcastle, which meant we preserved our three point lead. and now we have a five point lead over chelsea. fantastic stuff, really.

we were 2-0 down to everton at 50 minutes, but a mistake from the everton goalkeeper saw o’shea tap the ball in, and that was clearly the turning point of the game. sir alex immediately substituted ronaldo in (and you could see that it was his strategy to do so all along) and and seven minutes later, a ronaldo strike saw phil neville score an own goal. we were 2-2, and the news just came in that bolton managed to claw one back through kevin davies, and were also 2-2 with chelsea. we were clearly in control of the second half, but couldn’t seem to score, until ten minutes later when rooney popped up with a wonderful goal against his former team. everyone celebrated like we’d won the premiership, and you can see why. it’s definitely not easy to come back 2-0 down, and in an away game, at that. the game was sealed in injury time when our reserve team substitute chris eagles kept his composure to curl the ball into the bottom corner. sometimes i really wonder how we keep managing to scrape out these wins, but like maryam said, we’re just good.

yup, i love my man u :D :D :D

and i’ve just totally slacked today away, again. but yes i’m going to learn my lesson after my scare with china, where i didn’t have enough time to finish the jack gray readings and had to resort to reading ms ng’s china notes (from meissner, haha.) instead. fortunately, the paper wasn’t as bad as i’d thought it would be, save for one question. being a kiasu mugger toad, i’d already practised the matching section from previous years, and was pleasantly surprised to find that there was only 15 matches to make, and all of them were people. barring any sudden loss of my memory or brain during the exam, i think i got most of them right. the second question wasn’t so good, and i think it’ll pull me down. but the last question, the opinion one, was pretty fun because you could basically write anything as long as you could back up your answer. if only all exams questions were like this one.

and in a fit of eerationality, i decided to join maryam and yy at the vivo starbucks to “study”. what i ended up doing there was catch up on sleep, having not slept the whole night thanks to two cans of nescafe coffee, which also resulted in a very queasy stomach. don’t i ever learn? lunch was hokkien mee at kopitiam after shopping a bit in esprit, then i decided to head back to hall to rest/slack a bit while waiting for my parents to pick me up.

i ended up reading the hanakimi manga, haha. it’s still good, and once i start reading i can’t stop. in fact, i’m going to go read it now, so i finish it once and for all and don’t have to think about it while trying to study eu. today/tonight’s going to be my slacking day. once i wake up tomorrow, slacking will be streng verboten. strictly forbidden – i think that’s the only thing i’ve gotten from the grand illusion, haha. hanakimi and heroes, here i come :D

i’d rather i chase your shadow all my life
than be afraid of my own
i’d rather be with you
i’d rather not know
where i’ll be than
be alone and convinced that i know

when the world keeps spinning round
my world’s upside down
and i wouldn’t change a thing
i’ve got nothing else to lose
i lost it all when i found you
and i wouldn’t change a thing
no, you and i wouldn’t change a thing

everything i know has let me down
so i will just let go
let you turn me inside out
cos i know i’m not sure
about anything
but you wouldn’t have it any other way

when the world keeps spinning round
my world’s upside down
and i wouldn’t change a thing
i’ve got nothing else to lose
i lost it all when i found you
and i wouldn’t change a thing
no, you and i wouldn’t change a thing

spinning turning watching burning
all my life has found its meaning
walking crawling climbing falling
all my life has found its meaning

you and i wouldn’t change a thing
no, you and i wouldn’t change a thing

when the world keeps spinning round
my world’s upside down
and i wouldn’t change a thing
i’ve got nothing else to lose
i lost it all when i found you
and i wouldn’t change a thing
no, you and i wouldn’t change a thing

no, you and i wouldn’t change a thing

lifehouse, spin.
ah, a lifehouse classic. one of the best songs in their largely disappointing sophomore album, stanley climbfall. one of my favourite songs for when i’m feeling confused.

everything is effed up

oh dear, i think i’m screwed for the china paper.

i have at least 150 pages to read, internalise and partially memorise. and i only have about eight hours left. and i’m feeling sleepy AGAIN.

unfortunately for myself, most of my afternoon was spent either sleeping or trying not to fall asleep. i can’t explain why i was so sleepy, but within five minutes of scrutinising the text (i only realise now that chinese names can be quite hard to remember) i’ll fall asleep… ugh. it was only until after dinner that i’ve managed to sustain a few hours without feeling sleepy.

and to make matters worse, my hand still feels weird. i can write, but my hand feels really uncomfortable gripping pens of any sort. and i might actually resort to ballpoint pens because they require less grip to write with. i think.

am feeling icky so i have to go take a shower. but i’m afraid that it’ll make me want to sleep too. am really really sleepy and i still have to take medicine that may cause drowsiness soon. i’m wondering if it’s wise to take the medicine when it clearly isn’t working very well and might even make me fall asleep in the process. sigh.

and argh i can’t bear to think of my CAP for this sem anymore, it’s going to be damned screwed up.

they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

gacks. have been terribly unproductive ever since the SEA exam ended. which means my 3 days to study china has effectively been whittled down to like, a little over a day. and i still have loads to cover. how exciting.

tried to study with yy in the lounge yesterday, but i don’t remember getting much work done. can’t even remember why. went to vivo with her and maryam for dinner. we ate at banquet, and i tried the north indian food there. it was okay, if not a tad spicy and pricey. then we went back after buying my salon-pas and more sesame chicken noodles, to watch american idol. i’d wanted to watch the 2 hour special show (which i am watching now. el divo is singing.) but the singing was not bad. i especially like jordin sparks. nice voice, with power, and she’s only seventeen! amazing.

and since the tv was on, i watched my name is earl, which is really funny. and then i ended up watching america’s next top model when i turned on the tv to watch something while eating. sheesh when did i become such a tv whore? ironically enough i still haven’t watched the latest episode of heroes, and given my progress (or lack thereof) for china, i doubt i’ll be watching it until after the exam. sigh.

i fell asleep during the halftime of the chelsea-liverpool game. didn’t pay much attention to the game actually, i was trying to study while waiting for my laundry. i woke up at 6am and realised that i’d forgotten about my laundry. how clever. and the weather was so nice and cool that i couldn’t resist going back to sleep, so i put my clothes in the dryer and just slept again. i am such a pig.

we (me maryam yy) studied in my room till around 2pm, when we went to YIH for lunch, and so i could go to UHWC to figure out what really is up with my wonky right arm. and it turns out to be fluid retention, because my period’s late. ironically enough the doctor prescribed ponstan and a relaxant. apparently ponstan also induces your period and makes it lighter. interesting, i never knew that. and i’m supposed to be alright by tonight, and i really hope that’s true, because i need my hand in working order for my exams… at least i went today, so if i’m still not better tomorrow, i can go back and see what’s really wrong, and get a special considerations form, if necessary… i hope it won’t come to that, though.

we studied in the dnd room after that, but well, i didn’t exactly really study, as usual. sigh. dinner was pretty good, because they had ginseng chicken! i just need to drench my rice in the gravy and the dinner immediately becomes a lot more palatable. am glad i went to take dinner today, after all.

and that’s my day for today. terribly unproductive. i’m terrible. i keep watching tv and slacking off, i’m sleeping too much and i keep wanting to read the hanakimi manga. which was induced because i watched a bit of the taiwanese drama version on youtube and i guess it is rather funny.
though i still have a few gripes. like why the hell is the school doctor (umeda) SO UGLY! yes he’s gay but he doesn’t look so freaking gay, doesn’t have that ugly, long and weird hair and i seriously doubt that he wears pink. ewww. and the school idol guy (senri nakao) looks like crap too. ugh. i guess they just can’t pull off the gay/cute look without using weirdly ugly guys.
the guy with the blond hair (nakatsu) is alright and i think wu zun (sano) looks not too bad and ella (mizuki) is admittedly rather funny, but i just don’t get the sense of naivety that mizuki’s supposed to have from ella, plus from what i’ve seen so far, wu zun doesn’t have the same “caring” feeling as sano has in the manga. and the electricity, heart-beats-faster part whenever nakatsu like holds mizuki’s hands or whatever is nowhere as hilarious as nakatsu-vision, where he sees her in this super feminine, flowers everywhere way.
and since i’ve read the manga so many times, i know every plotline by heart, which makes it a bit boring to watch. but still not too bad i guess. but ugh, the other ugly guys! everyone in the manga looks good, you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone ugly there. seriously. if anyone wants to read the manga (in english, and on the computer) just ask, i’ll be glad to share. it’s loads better than the drama. i’ve read it so many times but i never get tired of it, it’s that good. okay i should stop raving about it or i might go and read it again after this entry…

and my quiz thing has turned out interesting results. apparently, some of my questions are so tricky maryam likens them to those of dr kelly’s objective tests. but at least she passed it, unlike a certain yy who failed quite miserably… haha. and grats to vanessa for beating maryam’s score, haha. and the moral of the story (or quiz) is, your friends don’t know you as well you think they do. haha!

okay time for a shower and back to china. all the parts about the warlords is killing me, and i don’t even know how relevant it is. blah.

i was young but i wasn’t naive
i watched helpless as you turned around to leave
and still i have the pain i have to carry
a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

after all this time
i never thought we’d be here
never thought we’d be here
when my love for you was blind
but i couldn’t make you see it
couldn’t make you see it
that i loved you more than you’ll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

i would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

after all this time
i never thought we’d be here
never thought we’d be here
when my love for you was blind
but i couldn’t make you see it
couldn’t make you see it
that i loved you more than you’ll ever know
a part of me died when i let you go

after all this time
would you ever wanna leave it
maybe you could not believe it
that my love for you was blind
but i couldn’t make you see it
couldn’t make you see it
that i loved you more than you will ever know
a part of me died when i let you go
and i loved you more than you’ll ever know
a part of me dies when i let you go

lifehouse, blind.
hmmm sometimes i listen to my “new” music so often i kind of forget about my “classic”, alternative songs. like how the lifehouse album was so good. this is one of my two most favourite songs on the album, the other being you and me, of course. but hmmm, i still feel like i want new music to listen and fall in love with, anyhow. i’m so greedy.

this isn’t the season to go running away

ARGH.

i’d blogged many many many words and then my laptop inexplicably crashed on me and i can’t recover the words i’d already blogged. BLAH. i really hate it when it happens. can’t be bothered to blog all over again, so here’s a short summary.

- man u rocks!
- coming down from 2-1 to win in injury time = why i love man u
- i think i’ve gotten over my funk of sorts. maybe. will blog more about this some other time
- am not supposed to slack anymore when i wake up tomorrow morning (or rather, later) but i forgot to watch heroes. i guess i’ll save it for when my brain gets sloshed by china
- my thumb feels like it was recently sprained, i get strange twinges of pain ranging from the vicinity of my fingers, wrist, elbow and shoulder. i suspect tennis elbow, although it sounds completely ridiculous to get tennis elbow from EXAMS. i think i will have to go to the UHWC to check it out if it’s still bad tomorrow. and maybe i should bring the special consideration form, seeing as how i have difficulty gripping my pens now…
- my imagination is working overtime again. sheesh.

okay i’m damn sleepy. going to sleep now and hope that my lousy arm will be better tomorrow.

feel the rain on your skin

Create your own Friend Quiz here

am less angsty now because dinner was nicer than expected. but my hand (and now arm and shoulder too) still hurts and i’m still rather jaded. oh well.

where do you go and what do you do

and finally, i get a breather from exams and trying to study for them. it hasn’t been great so far, but who cares, it’s two down, three more to go.

thank goodness my next paper is on saturday, because i’m officially handicapped for the moment, after the two suicide attempts by my thumb, and two papers in two days. i had a numb, pins and needles like feeling in my fingers after soci yesterday, which was very hard to write for because the paper quality of the booklet was so sucky. and i knew i was in big trouble during SEA when my hand hurt halfway through the first paragraph. it got better after i forced myself to continue writing, but my poor hand was really dying at the last few minutes of the paper. and two hours later, it’s still aching and i realise that i can’t keep my hands open without exerting some effort to do so. shit. of all things to sprain, my right freaking thumb. and of all times to aggravate itself and the rest of my hand, now. argh. i just hope i’m better by saturday. i shall swear off all writing in the meantime.

and i’d like to say that i’ve mugged extremely hard in the time between this entry and my last one, but i don’t think it’s very true. i did spend a lot of time trying to study in “the room”, though. if you’re wondering what this mysterious “the room” is, it’s somewhere in eusoff with aircon, lots of workspace and lots of swivel chairs. very conducive for studying. only bad thing is that the toilet is a bit far and the aircon gets really cold sometimes. apart from that, it’s near perfect for studying and sometimes i’m really productive there.

but there are also distractions. like it being extremely easy to go to sleep by putting your feet up another chair and leaning back. or watching john tucker must die on michelle’s laptop (we did this on sunday. tsk.) and miss singapore universe. or just talking, really. but i think the good outweighs the bad. and i should probably go back there and study for china soon. but not tonight. tomorrow, probably. if anyone is interested in joining me, do tell. i need someone to stop me from slacking and sleeping my time away there.

and the E3 food fad of the moment is the super brand of mee goreng cup noodles. and in my case, the sesame chicken version. it’s dry noodles so it’s easy to eat when you’re reading something, and not overly filling since there’s no soup. the normal flavour can be quite spicy, but it’s still pretty good. i like the sesame chicken a lot though, because it’s also dry, but it’s not spicy and i’m quite a sucker for sesame oil in my food. and oh everyone knows this already, but 7-11 is such a rip-off. they sell it at $1.45 each. giant at vivo sells it at $0.80 ($0.82 for the sesame chicken). i know the prices at 7-11 (and cold storage) are really inflated, but to that extent? the insanity.

and okay i just found out my grade for the SEA project and i feel like either banging my head really hard on the wall or just outright committing suicide. i got a B freaking minus. i didn’t think it was a good paper, but i expected at least a B. B minus is just… ouch. and if i thought my paper was alright and i got a B, i think i can forget about doing well for the exam paper, too. shit. i suppose that’s what i get for being too complacent and not going for lectures. but oh god, B.

shit shit shit. now i’m really losing confidence in myself. you’d think this would really make me sit down and mug, but it’s not. what’s going through my mind now is that it’s not going to matter how much i study. for one it’s a bit too late, and for another, having all the facts and knowledge in my brain isn’t going to help when i can’t formulate or structure my arguments properly, as evidenced many times this sem. i just didn’t see it coming, till now. and i should have. there was the B for soci. the 35/50 for china. the B+’s for why history. and the one that takes the cake, B freaking MINUS. for southeast asia. it’s a huge blow for me since everyone else did well for it last sem, but the grade itself feels worse to me.

maybe i’ve just pegged myself too high after one fluke good CAP last sem, letting myself believe that i was really that good. you got lucky, fool. and now you’re paying the price for complacence. i wish i could say this is just a painful lesson and that i should just move on, but i can’t even begin to describe how inadequate i feel now. some things haven’t been good to me this sem and the only thing that was sustaining me was the belief that if all else fails, i still have my grades to fall back on. like i could be the biggest, lousiest loser in the world but at least i still do decently in school. at least i’m “smart”. or so i thought. now that that’s taken away from me, and i feel like i’m nothing. i know grades aren’t everything, but that knowledge still doesn’t make me feel better about knowing that i actually really do suck. at every single freaking thing. every single aspect of my life. my loser, lousy life. see, i suck so badly that i can’t even do anything but whine on my blog.

and i’m scared. i can feel the dark hand of depression trying to drag me down, but i don’t know if i can resist it. like i’ve said, the only thing that held me together this sem when i was dangerously close to breaking down as this. and now that i don’t have it, now that my self-confidence is completely shattered, i don’t know what to do. i know it’s a bad time to be slipping back into depression but i don’t know how to get myself out of it this time.

on the good side, i’ve lost all enthusiasm for all the slacking activities i wanted to do to relax tonight. like watching the latest episode of heroes, the champions league game tonight, resting my brain a bit from studying… forget it, i don’t feel like doing anything now. and i’m hungry but i don’t have any appetite now. and my bloody hand still freaking hurts. and to sound like an angsty, emo person (i probably am one, at this very moment):

i hate myself. i freaking hate myself. what’s the point in anything now?

broke the ring around it
i can’t think about it
i can barely start to even wrap my head around it
waters rise around us
sinking ships surround us
i can’t believe she even found a way inside to drown us

i’m not so sure anymore what’s next
or if there’s anything left for us
what will we find inside of the wreck
yeah we both know it’s all just washed away

where do you go and what do you do
when all you have left is hanging on you
where do you go and what do you do
when you lose everything you ever knew

shine a light into it
shoot a cannon through it
spill it all and hope you find a way to make it through it
cos down is up and up is down
and love lies dying on the ground
you find the line that’s in the sand and figure out who drew it

i’m not so sure anymore what’s next
or if there’s anything left for us
what will we find inside of the wreck
yeah we both know it’s all just washed away

where do you go and what do you do
when all you have left is hanging on you
where do you go and what do you do
when you lose everything you ever knew

broke the ring around it
i can’t think about it
i can barely start to wrap my head around it
cos down is up and up is down
love lies dying on the ground
you find a line that’s in the sand and figure out who drew it

where do you go and what do you do
when all you have left is hanging on you
where do you go and what do you do
when you lose everything you ever knew

where do you go and what do you do
when all you have left is hanging on you
where do you go and what do you do
when you lose everything you ever knew

sister hazel, where do you go.

to me, i don’t see how it’s probable

blah. i didn’t even study all that much today (and to my dismay, yesterday too, actually) and already i’m so sick of soci and to a lesser extent, SEA, that i don’t feel like studying anymore. how am i going to sustain two more weeks of studying, on top of the nerve-wracking events known as exams? help.

i think the problem with me is that sometimes i have a very short attention span. couple that with my short memory span (about 5 seconds for everyday matters, and a maximum of 5 days for learning material) and i realise that i have a rather serious learning problem on my hands. i can’t focus on one module for too long, cos i’ll get bored. unless, of course, the paper is the next day and i have no choice, as was the case last sem. and i can’t really start to study for my later papers (china, eu, why history) because i’m afraid that my lousy memory won’t be able to retain much if i start “so early”. i think i’m too used to cramming everything in at the last minute, which is a bad thing because it means i have no idea as to how long i can retain the stuff i’ve studied. damn. but if i don’t start on china and eu now, i might not have enough time and i’ll be screwed if that’s the case. argh.

as if trying to sort out my studying priorities isn’t bad enough, my brain is just sputtering and refusing to absorb anything remotely resembling studying material now. thanks a lot. i suppose i could force it to just mindlessly absorb stuff (which is actually the way i study, anyway) but gah. no mental strength to do it at the moment. maybe i just need a break from soci and SEA. maybe i’ll go back and read the china text. haven’t touched it in ages.

today was rather unproductive. okay fine, it was unproductive. i let myself sleep in because i was well, lazy, and i didn’t do any work until i went to “the room” with maryam. which was about 2. actually, i didn’t even start work then because i wanted to watch “legends of the 8 immortals”. just needed to get my fix after missing it for so long. then after reading like five lines me and maryam went to 7-11 and got ourselves almond magnums (buy 1 get 1 free!) and i bought the last bottle of winter melon tea from red palms deli. when we went back we talked more than we studied, then yy came.

but okay la, not too bad, at least i did cover some stuff. better than nothing, i suppose.

got my why history reaction paper back, thanks to vanessa who helped me collect it and passed it to me via rongzhu, because the both of them wanted to borrow my soci test. i can’t complain because it was a B+ for a paper which i churned out in a few hours, but i did think it was marginally better than my previous one. i really have no idea what he wants in his reaction papers. i write a reaction-based one, B+. i write a research-based one, still B+. maybe my standard of writing at the 2000 level is just freaking B+. shit.

okay now i’m beginning to question my ability to cope with higher level modules. it seems that my worst grades are going to come from china and why history and coincidentally both are 2000 modules. i think why history is a bit of a lost cause, but as i’ve said before, i’m definitely not happy that i’m not doing as well as i like for china. it’s freaking history, i’m interested in it, i do (or at least did, in the first half of the sem) my readings and i get like 72 out of 100 for the test. which i think is a B grade, at best. like, what the hell? i’d like to believe that i’m just not performing as well as i really can, but now i’m increasingly sure that my CAP last sem was just a fluke, and that as the sems pass my CAP will be on a downward spiral to non-honours. ugh.

the irony of me being so terribly insecure about myself now is that, i still won’t study. or at least, i’m still not mugging as hard or as much as i should. i think i’m not scaring myself enough. i need to psycho myself into studying more. maybe starting from after this entry.

yeah, i shall stop entertaining thoughts of retreating to my room for a “well-deserved” rest. well-deserved, my foot. i guess that shall be my new motivation for now, to mug damn hard so i can rest and relax for a bit at the end of the day (or rather, middle of the night/morning) without feeling guilty about how i haven’t studied as much as i really should have.

on the other hand, my body is not exactly helping me in my studying endeavours. take for example, my thumb. i swear it’s suicidal – when i was toweling myself dry after a shower the other day, it somehow managed to crash and jolt itself against the towel, don’t ask me how. and as you may expect, that resulted in a few very loud F**Ks from me. and for something that’s a total freak accident, it hurt so badly it affected my wrist too. ugh. and it’s really quite ridiculous how my thumb hasn’t healed when it’s been six freaking months since i sprained it.
and one incident does not make a suicidal thumb, and my thumb exemplified this by crashing itself against a ledge when i was trying to flick a switch. like, what the hell? the exams are in days and my thumb decides that it’s had enough of its miserable, unhealed life and decides to just end it? i think if it attempts suicide again i’ll seriously have problems writing during the exam. how nice.

okay i’m having a weird ache in my stomach and i haven’t studied for a while, so off i go.

i see the lights are turning and i look outside
the stars are burning through this changing time
it could have been anything we want
it’s fine, salvation was just a passing thought
it was just a passing thought

don’t wait, act now
this amazing offer won’t last long
it’s only a chance to pave the path we’re on
i know there are more exciting things to talk about
and in time we’ll sort it out
and in time we’ll sort it out

and though they say it’s possible
to me, i don’t see how it’s probable
i see the course we’re on spinning farther from what i know
i’ll hold on
tell me that you won’t let go
tell me that you won’t let go

and the truth is such a funny thing
with all these people
keep on telling me
they know what’s best
and what to be frightened of
and all the rest are wrong
they know nothing about us
they know nothing about us

and though they say it’s possible
to me, i don’t see how it’s probable
i see the course we’re on spinning farther from what i know
i’ll hold on
tell me that you won’t let go
tell me that you won’t let go

i’m not alright

and though they say it’s possible
to me, i don’t see how it’s probable
i see the course we’re on spinning farther from what i know
i’ll hold on
tell me that you won’t let go

and though they say it’s possible
to me, i don’t see how it’s probable
i see the course we’re on spinning farther from what i know
i’ll hold on
tell me that you won’t let go
tell me that you won’t let go

this could be something beautiful
combine our love into something wonderful
but times are tough i know
and the pull of what we can’t give up takes hold

terra naomi, say it’s possible.
i found this song from an unlikely source – youtube. i think it was a featured video at some point of time, ages ago, before google bought youtube and it was nice enough when i listened to it for me to add it to my favourite. months later, i find that she’s won the best music video for the youtube video awards, and that she’s been signed on to a music label. very cool. her voice is really nice, and it reminds me of a few other singers, but i can’t quite place who. let’s hope her album comes out soon, i want to listen to more songs from her.

to get me through today and this life

i am so terribly jaded. which means, i don’t want to study, but i don’t want to do anything, either. and unfortunately, i’m not really sleepy, either. this sucks, i hate it. this feeling of being in limbo, with no interest in anything except for what i don’t (and can’t, at least for now) have. namely, the only things i remotely feel like doing is watching grey’s anatomy, or friends. both of which i don’t have access to now, great.

oh well, on the bright side, at least i know that i’m not depressed, which i suppose is a feat of sorts for me. but i’m not complaining, i’m glad that i’m mostly feeling alright.

today’s studying was probably the most productive out of all the days so far. after a very lazy and sleepy morning, me and yy finally went “the room” to study. and we discovered that the red palms deli place has the winter melon tea we’re both crazy about. which is very good news indeed, it means that i don’t have to go to sheares just to get it.

anyway, once i got over my sleepy spell in the morning, i didn’t sleep all afternoon. nope, hardly even felt sleepy and i didn’t drink any coffee, either. amazing, i know. now, if only i knew how to replicate that effect, because it seems that coffee and my stomach just don’t agree with each other but as far as i know, a can of nescafe coffee, original flavour is the only thing that can keep me awake for the whole night, if need be. but after that i end up with an upset stomach and nausea. and if i drink too much, a nice little bout of gastritis. sigh, the perils of being a student who simply can’t keep awake.

and i’m temporarily not studying soci for a bit, i’ve had way too much of it over the past few days. though i still have quite a bit – mass media, religion, power and the state. and all the earlier chapters i read for the midterm but haven’t read again. wonderful. but yes, i’m still rather interested in soci, i suppose. deviance, in particular. let’s hope i’ll be able to get that module next sem. well hopefully, they actually do offer it next sem. but okay let’s stop thinking about next sem’s modules, i need to focus on these last hurdles known as exams, first.

and crud, i really need to get my sleep patterns in order or i’ll end up being sleepy during the soci exam. but hopefully the adrenaline rush (or, the omg-i’m-going-to-fail feeling) from the exam will be enough to keep me awake. actually, i’ve managed to not fall asleep for any exam after promos in j1, i think. but that’s no guarantee of wakefulness so i shall just get as much sleep as i can get now, before i start realising that i can’t sleep for like a week because i’m so behind on my studying, etc. i haven’t even touched china, eu and why history. which is bad. terrible. sigh.

okay, i’m going round in circles and blogging rubbish, so i’ll stop here.

let me show you what i’m made of
good intentions are not enough
to get me through today and this life

you’re in the basement watching the tv
i’m on the second floor watching the ceiling
we sleep underneath the same big sky at night
i dream the same dream we can fly

you can run from me
and you can hide from me
but i am right beside you
in this life

let me tell you who you really are
you’re my comfort
you’re not a superstar
i can reach up and bring you back down onto the ground
and give you everything you dream about

you can run from me
and you can hide from me
but i am right beside you
in this life

i’ll give you all the things that i never get
give you all i have and have no regrets
take you to the places that i’ve never been

forgive you all the things that you can’t forget
take away the pain with my healing hand
wash away your sins and set your spirit free

you can run from me
and you can hide from me
but i am right beside you
in this life

you can run from me
and you can hide from me
i am right beside you
in this life

chantal kreviazuk, in this life.
was randomly going through my itunes the other day, and rediscovered this little gem. i need to hurry up and get home so i can go and download her album and see if her other songs are nice. the only other one i know is feels like home, which is also good. it’ll probably be perfect studying music, except that by the time i get it, the exams would be over. oh well.

we were begging for the past

i am rather disturbingly unperturbed about my slow, almost painfully non-existent progress in this thing called mugging for exams. the worst part is, i don’t even feel like i’ve absorbed anything in the little time i’ve mugged. great.

monday mugging was at vivo with yy. i think i spent more time eating, sleeping and talking than studying, though. lunch was at kim gary, before we adjourned to starbucks. our friend chope-comfy-chair girl wasn’t there, surprisingly. in the time we were there i think i only managed to finish reading the family chapter. pathetic, utterly. dinner was at pastamania, the carbonara’s not bad. but by the end of the day i had spent too much money on food and therefore have to really start scrimping and saving. somehow.

and for some strange reason i only really got into the zone at like 3am. so i worked till 5am, sleeping only a few hours before having to get up at 8 to go down to novena to study with maryam and yy and get our free cones from ben&jerry’s. as to why we went all the way down to novena when vivo also has a ben&jerry’s, i have no idea. but the starbucks at united square was pretty good. it was quiet most of the time, there were plenty of seats and they played good music. i mean, they played paolo nutini and amy winehouse (rehab got stuck in my head for a long time after that) which is cool, i can’t recall the outlet at vivo playing any music that i like. yup, i like the starbucks there.

lunch was at the jalan kayu cafe, and it was good because well, it wasn’t too expensive (especially when compared to the rip-off prices charged by niqqi’s) and the food was good. yy had a tissue thosai which was simply ginormous, i think it was bigger than the table. my masala thosai was good too, and maryam’s mee goreng portion was a lot larger than the one at niqqi’s, for cheaper. the only thing niqqi’s is better at is the drinks. i had a bandung which had too much rose syrup so i had to go ask for more milk. but i liked the lemon tea, though both yy and maryam thought it was too sweet.

studying wasn’t too productive for me because i kept getting weird aches at my left shoulder area, and was also very sleepy. so i ended up sleeping, and when i woke up vanessa was there, haha. after some talking (note how no studying occurred) we managed to persuade vanessa to chope our seats for us while we went to get our free ice cream. and in happy coincidence, eileen was there scooping! and she happened to be scooping the strawberry cheesecake too! so here’s a great big thanks to her again, for giving me an extra large scoop and an extra cone for vanessa (though she didn’t really want it, the ungrateful girl.) and of course it was nice seeing her again :)

vanessa went off after finishing the ice cream, i think i studied a bit then it was time for dinner. and novena is becoming an increasingly attractive location for me, because we were walking around novena squared (the new extension area to novena square) to get to the atm and i discovered, to my delight, yami yoghurt there! like finally, an outlet in a (relatively) accessible location! and maryam knew all along but NEVER TOLD ME. some friend, huh. and to my and yy’s delight, there was also each-a-cup. and a few cookie shops which looked interesting, and this buttercup place with interesting sounding stuff. have to go try it sometime. dinner was at kfc, where i tried the new meltz thing, but i guess it looks a lot better than it tastes, it wasn’t anything special.

then we went to cold storage, where yy and maryam started arguing over who should get how many strawberry fredos (they’re cadbury chocolate frogs) in a bag that contained 4 of each flavour – milk chocolate, strawberry and caramel. madness, it was, fighting over chocolate like kids… then i got my yami yoghurt, though i did feel ripped off because it was such a small splotch of peach yoghurt in the regular cup. sheesh. but oh well, it was still good. yy got her each-a-cup bubble tea and it was time to go home.

i didn’t manage to get much (okay fine, practically none) mugging done because we were celebrating huishan’s birthday at 12 midnight. michelle rushed back before 12 midnight, we made a card for her, then hid in her room with her cake while luohu distracted her and burst out in song when she came in. we took some photos in the room and the corridor, including two with michelle’s ancient spice cam polaroid camera, haha. and there was some cake leftover, and it ended up in huishan’s hair. and then there was a mad chase around because she was trying to exact revenge on us… haha. one of my new ipanema slippers ended up becoming a casualty cos someone dropped cake there.

and just when i thought i could sit down and do my work, they all were going to 7-11 so i went along to get some drinks. and i ended up buying the super brand mee goreng to see how good it really was, since michelle and xiaoxuan were always raving about it. and it really is pretty good, a bit spicy but nothing too intolerable for me. we ate it while watching a friends dvd in my room, and we originally intended to watch only one episode but ended up watching all four episodes on the disc, because it was just too addictively funny. i want to watch friends like mad during the holidays! thank goodness michelle has like all the seasons on dvd. marvellous, i can’t wait.

it was like 4 or 5am when we finished watching, and after that i quickly finished up one of my two themes for EHOC, and just fell asleep on my bed, without clearing up my mess and everything. too tired, couldn’t be bothered. i was only awoken by yy messaging, and even then i went back to sleep until she said she was coming over in ten minutes, and i dragged myself to the shower.

we studied in the lounge, but i was so tired i think i ended up sleeping more than i studied, as usual. lunch was jap food at the dining hall. not bad, although i was thinking things like, hmmm the food at jalan kayu cafe is cheaper… haha. and i realise how cheated i get whenever i tapow strawberry milkshake from the fruit juice stall, because the glass is so much bigger. like we drank at least a third of our drink, and the remainder filled 3/4 of the takeaway cup. that’s it, i’m going to drink my strawberry milkshakes in the dining hall next time.

and after lunch i was sleepy again. sheesh. eventually i fell asleep, and when i woke up yy wasn’t there anymore! and me being blind and all, didn’t see the note she left me until i came back from the loo. so i went back to my room to finish up my themes for EHOC, and before long they were suggesting that we go to crystal jade for dinner. which i didn’t mind even though i’m broke and should be studying, cos i was craving xiaolongbao after reading (and drooling at) the latest xiaolongbao entry on the ieatishootipost food blog. but shufang didn’t want to go out so we ended up ordering baked pasta and lasagna from sarpino’s, which was pretty good. i guess that’s the good thing about having a bunch of us in hall (trying to) study for exams, we can order pizza and stuff like that and share it.

and the good news is that i can do both EHOC and the job thing for dr emmanuel cos they’ll be working in the afternoon. good. i get the money, and i still get to do EHOC, which seems fun. hassle of moving aside, i kind of can’t wait to move to A block either, i have nice neighbours! am pleased that esther will be my next-door-neighbour, a nice little coincidence after getting to know each other while doing the china project and going for lectures together. valerie, kim ong and handy are the other ones around, so it seems fun. and with my ps2, i’m pretty sure there’s gonna be fun, alright.

okay, i’ve just cleaned my room. now i will sort out my clothes from the laundry basket, take a shower and join michelle and xiaoxuan at “the room” to study. let’s hope it’ll be productive this time. i’m starting to feel a bit panicked at how little time i actually have to study a LOT. i have seriously got to stop thinking it will all be alright in the end. it will not, if i get a sub-4.0 CAP for this sem. i think the hardest thing is getting myself reconciled with the idea that not scoring A’s is a failure of sorts, when A’s were a rarity in secondary school and even more so in jc.

i can do this, yes i can. i can stop sleeping too much, sit down and JUST STUDY. nothing is impossible, just do it. terribly cliched yes, but i don’t care, whatever works, works.

while we’re on the subject
could we change the subject now?
i was knocking on your ears
don’t worry, you were always out
looking towards the future
we were begging for the past
well we knew we had the good things
but those never seemed to last
oh please just last

everyone’s unhappy
everyone’s ashamed
well we all just got caught looking
at somebody else’s page
well nothing ever went
quite exactly as we planned
our ideas held no water
but we used them like a dam

oh, and we carried it all so well
as if we got a new position
oh, and i laugh all the way to hell
saying yes, this is a fine promotion
oh, and i laugh all the way to hell

of course everyone goes crazy
over such and such and such
we made ourselves a pillow
we just used it as a crutch
we were suddenly uncertain
at least i’m pretty sure i am
well we didn’t need the water
but we just built that go god dam

oh, and o know this all myself
i stood in front for all the people
oh, and i know this all myself
we listen while life hangs on
and the sound of life’s sweet bliss

was it ever worth it?
was there all that much to gain?
well we knew we missed the boat
and we’d already missed the plane
we didn’t read the invite
we just dance at our wake
all our favorites were playing
so we could shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

tiny curtains open and we heard the tiny clap of little hands
a tiny man would tell a little joke and get a tiny laugh from all the folks
sitting drifting around in bubbles and thinking it was us that carried them
when we finally got it figured out that we had truly missed the boat

oh, and we carried it all so well
as if we got a new position
oh, and we owned all the tools ourselves
but not the skills to make a shelf with
oh, what useless tools ourselves

modest mouse, missed the boat.
very quirky band which is at times has a sound reminiscent of franz ferdinand. i’m not crazy over them, but i like their songs. does that make sense? yes, it does.