i don’t know why i keep letting myself get frustrated and angry about a situation i can’t quite change atm. i keep looking at the list and i can’t help thinking, how am i any less deserving than these people? i know it’s a mean thought but i think it, anyway. it’s funny how i dislike whining but end up doing it anyway. well, i really do think it’s stupid and unfair. and it’s really making me so angry i can quite literally feel this ball of unhappiness in my chest… and i have no idea how to dispel this awful, irritating sensation. i would maybe scream but it’s 4am and i don’t think my neighbours or the RF would appreciate it. what do you do when you’re angry but can’t… urgh. what is the word i’m looking for? it stubbornly refuses to come to me, for some reason. blah.
in any case, i feel so irritated i can hardly concentrate on my book review. but maybe i’m just using this whole situation as an excuse to procrastinate… as usual.
and it doesn’t help that i have a deadly bad feeling about this whole thing. and looking at how i’ve been feeling that this year is really not my year for various reasons, i don’t think my pessimism is unwarranted.
at least i feel slightly better after… VENTING. yes that is the word. don’t know why it took me so long to figure it out. all it took was a minor distraction (me listening to the live version of butch walker’s cigarette lighter love song and running to vuze to download it) and the anger was gone and the word came to me. hmmm. i should either listen to butch walker or look for mp3s to download when i’m angry next time, maybe.
and in a strange sort of way i kind of miss blogging. maybe not the insane, blog-in-excruciating-detail way i used to do, but just writing without thinking about whether the sentence makes sense, am i paraphrasing enough, does this sentence say what i’m trying to express… in other words, writing out of an essay context.
i do occasionally write in another sort of journal, but that’s different. that’s for my eyes only and this is not. it’s the feeling of writing, knowing that people i know might read this, and me wondering what people actually think about what i’m writing… haha. yes, i miss that feeling. and i know i often write in a thoroughly rambly, self-centered way. but that’s just the way i write, and the way i like it.
and of course, when i write here i am free to ignore the grammar rules i so staunchly stick to in essays. especially the no-starting-with-conjunctions rule. i secretly abhor the rule but strictly adhere to it in essays anyway. it is anathema for me to start any sentence with and, but or because. it is simply cannot.
i guess i’ve forgotten about the therapeutic qualities of blogging like this after not having to deal with anything too terrible for a long time. i’m a contradictory, optimistic-but-also-pessimistic person, which explains why i believe that this year is going to be a bad year because last year was a pretty good one. hopefully it’s too soon to tell because the year is just beginning, but i just have that feeling… and my gut feelings are usually (and unfortunately) quite accurate.
to think my original intention of blogging was just to share one of my favourite butch walker songs of the moment, here comes the…, which apparently hit no. 1 on the singles chart after he got featured on the ellen show with pink. cool. but the sycamore meadows album (named after the street his house was on, after it got burnt down – with all the masters of the songs he ever recorded in it! so sad.) has been my album of the moment. just gotta love the weight of her and my favourite ‘nonsense’ song, ponce de leon ave. am listening to a live version of best thing you never had now and it’s really good. i’ve forgotten how much i love his letters album, too. i shall go listen to it now :)
and now that i’ve managed to considerably calm down, i guess it is time to go back to the book review. but not before i leave you with some wonderful butch walker songs, hehe.
[edit: i forgot that wordpress doesn't allow anything remotely javascript-y and imeem can't be embedded as a result... argh. remind me why i'm still on wordpress??? i should move back to blogger but i'm too lazy, plus i can't export my wordpress entries. i would get my own domain and hosting but i don't quite blog enough to justify the cost. oh, woe is me. anyway, click on the song title links to get to the song. i'm too busy/lazy to manually embed the songs at the moment.]
